The Wow Factor

Ticking Along

2011-08-22T15:43:00.001-07:00

Everything is going smoothly so far in our household. We are settled into a routine, I'm getting sleep, and life appears to be pretty normal. Xavier is growing more and more each day, and he seems to have sprouted overnight. He's now in 0-3 clothes, size one diapers, and taking 5 oz bottles. I'm not sure about his weight, but he was 6 lbs 6 oz at his pedi visit in July. My guess is that he's about 9 lbs now.
Speaking of pedi visits, his pedi discovered a small inguinal hernia at his last visit. We had to go out to Children's Hospital in Dallas for an ultrasound, where the pedi's findings were confirmed. He will have to have surgery to repair it, and the only question now is when. September 1, he goes for a consultation with a surgeon to see what his recommendation is as far as a time frame. I was a bit upset initially, but I snapped myself back into reality. I thought of all the things that so many parents suffer through in terms of their children's health, many of whom I met during Xavier's stay at Cook's Children's, and I was ashamed of myself. How dare I be upset over a procedure that is a non emergency, outpatient procedure when I witnessed parents left and right sending their newborns into surgery for serious conditions such as heart or lung issues? What about the children who have conditions that can not be repaired? Now that I have things in perspective, I am back to counting my blessings to have a son who, aside from being born prematurely, is growing and progressing normally. I will always thank God for this.

2 years and 2 months old

2011-07-24T16:02:00.000-07:00

Layla turned two today. I can hardly believe it! The picture of the day of her birth is still etched deeply into my brain. Does it ever fade? Similarly, does the shock and awe of having children PERIOD ever fade? I have a two year old and a two month old. Saying that aloud makes me shake my head in awe. I still wonder, on many occasions, where exactly these children have come from.

Reading her birthday card from grandma first thing in the morning

Talking on her new cell phone on the way to McDonald's

Eating junk food

Here are a few pics of her eating her birthday cupcakes.

We had a great day today that included auntie, grandma, and her "bubby". We played at McDonald's, opened presents, and ate junk food. Saturday we will continue the celebration at the circus!

Layla is amazing! She has grown so much. I held her a couple of weeks ago, and she seemed so huge. I wondered if she seemed huge because now I have another child tied to the proverbial apron strings to compare her to, who happens to be so tiny, but now I know it is because she has grown like a weed. She is deeply into the terrible twos, but she still makes me laugh every day. She can identify 24 uppercase letters (M and W give her trouble), can identify her numbers 1-10, counts to 20, knows four colors and can sort by those colors, and knows six shapes. She has her two year doctor's appointment tomorrow, so I will get her stats then. I'm pretty sure she's about 28 lbs. I weighed her on our home scale which is probably not too reliable, but it gives a roundabout guess.

Xavier is doing well. He is now going four hours between feeds at night. I am so very grateful because this allows me to get eight hours of sleep which is unheard of in the land of newborns. I feed him at 11pm, Tim feeds him at 3am, and I feed him and get up for the day at 7am. Great stuff. He also has his two month appointment tomorrow, so I'll update his stats then. My guess is 6 lbs. He's a piggy. He takes twice what a guy his size should be taking, and that's on top of being on a higher calorie formula. He is going to be huge!

Here is Mr. Mohawk :)

With grandma

He is a true joy! The only issue we have right now is diaper changes. Whoever said boys are easier to change than girls got it ALLLLL wrong. I can assure you of that. I feel a gray hair squeeze itself into visibility every time I change my little guy's diaper. I'm not kidding.

We're home!

2011-07-02T05:11:00.000-07:00

We brought Xavier home yesterday after a very tiring, challenging day. There is so much involved in discharging a premature infant, and it was taxing, both physically and emotionally. I have never been so happy as when we drove away from that hospital. I'm hoping to never see the inside of that hospital again.
He is now 4 lbs 5 oz, exactly Layla's weight when we brought her home from the NICU, ironically. Of course she was only one week old, and Xavier was 6 weeks 4 days old. His first night home is complete, and he and the rest of the family are upstairs sleeping as I blog and enjoy my last few moments alone for the day. His first night went well. Tim kept him downstairs for his 12 am and 3 am feed so that I could sleep. Xavier is a grunter, and his grunting would have kept me up all night. I took care of him at 5:30, and I will let Tim sleep in while I take care of both kids this morning. I expect our system to work out well...until he goes back to work, of course, then there will have to be some adjustments.
Layla is fascinated with him! She's always peering into his pack-n-play at him, trying to touch him, and trying to give him his paci--in his eye nonetheless--but she's still trying to be helpful. It will be interesting to see how her interactions with him unfolds over the next few months.

Anxious

2011-06-29T09:21:00.000-07:00

Xavier is coming home this week! I'm not sure of the exact day because the NICU team are reluctant to quote an exact date, but steps toward going home have been made. We brought his car seat to NICU yesterday so they could do the car seat test on him. This is usually the last test before going home. They put the babies in the car seat to make sure they can tolerate being in a car seat for the ride home. They have also asked us to notify our pediatrician that we are coming home and to make an appointment to be seen Tuesday of next week. We are very excited and anxious to take him home. My guess is that he will be home by Saturday.
I am so glad that I prepared for his arrival early. I started working on his nursery when I was around 24 weeks pregnant, so it is now ready and waiting on him!
I can concentrate on him, instead of having to run around town picking out things for his room. As you can imagine, I'll be busy for the next few months. :)

Here are some pictures of his nursery

All we need is the baby!

No Answers

2011-06-27T10:26:00.001-07:00

My 6 week postpartum visit went well, but it also confirmed that there will never be answers as to why my body does not like to be pregnant for a full nine months.

We talked in depth about why I went into preterm labor, and sadly, it is still and always will be a mystery. The pathology report on the placenta showed that it was 100% healthy and normal. Dr. W says clinically, she believes I abrupted since there was so much blood right before I had my c-section, but she can never say for sure. She says that I am just not a good candidate for another pregnancy, which is 100% fine with us because we only wanted two. She is just as disappointed as I am about not going further into a pregnancy than I did with Layla, but she is 100% confident that there was nothing else we could have done to have a better outcome. Talking with her really brought closure to this chapter in my life.

One Month

2011-06-16T06:46:00.000-07:00

Xavier had his first bottle yesterday. His nurse told me before she started that babies this young usually do not have a good sucking action, so things may not go so well the first time. Well of course, in keeping with his trend of shocking people, Xavier took the whole bottle in less than 10 minutes! He loved it. The nurse tried to put the bottle in his mouth, and he promptly refused. She dribbled breastmilk into his mouth, and this piqued his interest. He instantly started to suck and did not stop until he was finished. The nurse was so excited that she said she was going to call his doctor to update him and see if he can get bumped up to two bottles a day instead of one. They will gradually increase his bottle feeds until he is taking eight bottles per day. When this happens, they will remove his feeding tube.

He is now 3 lbs 3 oz, and has had his first eye exam and visit from the physical therapist. The eye exam went well and his eyes are fine. The physical therapy visit was uneventful, but she did explain stress cues to me, such as splaying of the fingers, and this was helpful. When premature babies are overwhelmed by too much stimuli, they will show you they are stressed out and need peace and quiet.
Yesterday at 1 pm, it was feeding time for three newborns. How do I know this? They promptly let the entire nursery know. It was as if someone pressed a button on each baby because as soon as the clock struck 1, the babies began to scream in three part harmony. This of course made some of their monitors go off because crying so forcefully made their heart rates go up. Xavier started to squirm while I was holding him and straightened his legs. I knew he was becoming stressed, so I put him back in his isolet. Here is a picture of his grumpy look. He was not very happy about the noisy trio.

Layla is still having a difficult time adjusting because X's hospital stay has disrupted her schedule. I think she is starting to understand a little bit more that we had a baby. It's taking her a while to understand because she has never seen him in person. I talk to her about him all the time, and she loves to look through my phone at his pictures. She calls him W-X. LOL! That is definitely one for the baby book.

3 lbs!

2011-06-13T15:21:00.000-07:00

As of May 10, Xavier passed 3 lbs! He was 3 lbs 1.4 oz, and I am so excited because passing 3 lbs was the first of my mini goals that I set for him. He will possibly start bottle feeding this Wednesday, and from then on the focus will be on learning to bottle feed 8 times per day and continuing to gain weight. I am so ready to bring him home to join our family full time!

PNICU

2011-05-28T08:47:00.001-07:00

Xavier was moved to the Progressive NICU on Thursday night. When we left him that afternoon, he was doing great. He was still breathing fine with nothing new to report. We talked to the on call dr since Xavier's dr was visiting Harris' NICU for the day, and he told us repeatedly how impressed he was with Xavier. He smiled and told us, "This little guy thinks he's older than what he is."
When Tim called his nurse later that night to check on him, she told him that he had been moved to the PNICU since he was doing so well! This is definitely a step forward, which is what I pray for each and every day, all day. Babies are moved to the Progressive Unit once they are considered not critical.
Visiting him yesterday in this unit was a whole new ball game. The room is noticeably brighter. There are open cribs in the whole room instead of walls and walls of incubators with tiny spaces for parents to squeeze in next to them. There aren't as many monitors and machines wailing and beeping constantly. Toys, rocking chairs, car seats, and swings are in the room. Moms can be seen holding the babies and breastfeeding. There are also volunteers that visit this unit to hold the babies and cuddle with them. This makes me feel better since it is impossible for us to be with him all day, and the nurses do not have time to hold babies just to cuddle. The unit is just much more relaxed. This will be his new home until he is released, which I am hoping will be within the next 4 weeks.

Growing

2011-05-26T06:48:00.000-07:00

It is hard to tell from pictures just how small Xavier really is. When people see his picture, they immediately exclaim that he looks like a big boy, or that he doesn't look like he's only 2 1/2 lbs. Seeing him in person is an entirely different experience.
Yesterday, I decided to take home one of the diapers he wears for comparison to a newborn diaper sample that I have.

He is getting bigger every day, and each day we see him he looks like a new baby. He has more hair now, his skin is getting darker, and his features are becoming more defined. I try not to get caught up in his weight since we are in for a long journey. I decided instead of asking each and every day how much he weighs, I will ask his nurses once a week how much he weighs. This is how they are charting his progress anyway since daily weights tend to fluctuate.

No More CPAP!

2011-05-25T08:30:00.000-07:00

Instead of doing 3 hours off and 3 hours on to give Xavier's nose a rest, his doctor decided that he no longer had to use the CPAP at all! He has been machine free for about two days now. Usually babies go from being on a vent, to the CPAP, to a nasal canula, but Xavier has avoided both the vent and canula to breathing 100% unassisted! I am so very, very happy and thankful for that. I knew he could do it because there have been so many occasions when he had removed it on his own and was breathing just fine. I am so thankful for his nurse Raye :-) for pushing his doctor to give him a chance to try it on his own. She believed in him and knew he could do it!
His dr wants me to try breastfeeding him next week. Hmmm. Not sure how that's going to go since his mouth is the size of a dime and my breast is.....much larger than that. This will definitely be interesting.

Break from CPAP

2011-05-23T17:22:00.001-07:00

Today when I went to see Xavier, I immediately noticed that he had removed his CPAP. It was resting on top of his nose instead of inside of his nose. He HATES his CPAP. His nurses say that he moves so much that he pushes the little prongs further in his nose than it needs to go. This is one of many occasions that he has removed it somehow. The nurse practitioner decided that since he was doing so well breathing on his own and breathing room air from day one, she would try him off of the CPAP for three hours. So what will happen now is that he will do three hours off the CPAP and three hours on. This will give his nose a rest. The prongs are uncomfortable for him and push his nose flat against his face, piggy style. I held him today kangaroo style and his breathing remained stable the entire time. He didn't desat once, and his oxygen levels stayed 97-100. If he does well on and off the CPAP, they will start to wean him off of it early. His nurses are impressed. They usually don't wean them off until they are closer to 32 weeks. Nearly all the nurses on his floor came to see this little peanut free of his machines so soon.

Today was my first time seeing him free of all the machines. The cpap has kind of molded his nose flatter against his face than is natural, but he's so beautiful, and of course the creases will resolve itself once he's able to give his nose a rest!

Holding Xavier

2011-05-22T10:08:00.000-07:00

Two days ago, I was finally able to hold Xavier. He was "no-stim" for the first three days of life, which meant that he couldn't be touched except when necessary. I was so nervous as the nurses handed me his little body. He is so small and fragile that it was hard to believe that I was holding anything. I held him and rocked him for close to an hour, but I could have held him forever. When the nurses came to put him back in the incubator, she discovered that his CPAP had been accidentally disconnected. She was shocked that his breathing and heart rate stayed the same, even though he wasn't receiving any air pressure from the CPAP. He is not ready to come off of the CPAP, but it is still amazing that such a little guy could hold his own for so long without it. I'm looking forward to the day when he graduates from it.
Yesterday, I held him skin to skin as part of kangaroo care. The nurses placed him inside of my shirt, and he curled his little body against me as if he were still in the womb.

I would give anything to give him another 6 weeks, but sharing this tender moment with him was a wonderful feeling.

Xavier Grant

2011-05-20T14:12:00.000-07:00

May 16, 2011, I woke up just after 12 am with slight pains in my side and lower stomach. Baby was moving and seemed very unsettled. I sleepily rubbed my stomach, and tried to go back to sleep. I dozed off for a few minutes, then was awaken by the same pains in my side and lower stomach. I waited for it to pass, then tried to go back to sleep. The pains didn’t subside. It was then that I noticed that the pains were coming in a pattern. I turned on my cell phone and began to time the pains, looking for a clear pattern. Five minutes apart. This was much more serious than pain; these were contractions. I had been there before, and the night seemed eerily similar to the day I gave birth to Layla. Tim was at work, I woke up in pain, and something inside of me was telling me it was show time.
I jumped out of bed, and received confirmation that I was indeed in labor. I had diarrhea and a little bit of spotting. Oh no, I thought, not again. I ran a quick bath and called Tim to come home to sit with Layla while I went to labor and delivery. I began to pray and plead to the universe that this was false labor and that our baby boy would not be born so soon. I pleaded for another month, week, or even just one more day for my son to stay with me. I drove to the hospital repeating the same prayer over and over, only pausing to call Dr. Westerholm to tell her I was on my way to labor and delivery.
The drive to the hospital was agonizing for me. I didn’t have the pain of a typical woman in labor. Instead of physical pain, I felt pain in my heart for what was almost certain to come. I could feel our son kicking so low, almost as if he were already in the birth canal. I willed my body to hold on to him.

I finally arrived at the emergency room, and was whisked away to labor and delivery by an E.R. nurse. She wished me luck and left me with the labor and delivery nurses in the prenatal observation room. Minute by minute, my anxiety built. The nurses could not find baby’s heartbeat with the fetal monitor or Doppler. I could feel him move, so I knew he was fine, but I also knew not being able to find his heartbeat was not a good sign. The nurses tried to reassure me that this sometimes happens with babies that gestational age. I wanted to point out that I had had no problem finding his heartbeat since I was 9 weeks pregnant, but I couldn’t speak.

Dr. Westerholm returned my call while I was lying on the observation table and told me that since I had had intercourse recently, all of the drama was probably due to false contractions. I wanted to believe that, but my soul was telling me otherwise. She gave authorization for the nurses to check my cervix, and I was immediately given the news that I would be delivering shortly. The nurse removed her gloved hand from my body and it was covered in blood. She told me that I was dilated to 6-7 centimeters, she felt a bulging bag of water, and she had felt him kick her hand. My heart dropped. The nurse reclined the table all the way back and told me I was to remain flat and still until the doctor came to deliver me. My heart was heavy as I called and told Tim the news.

The anesthesiologist made it to my bedside first. He explained the process of receiving a spinal for a cesarean section, but the explanation fell on deaf ears. I could barely hear more than my heartbeat at the point, and nothing else mattered. I kept going over the statistics in my head that I have googled so many times before. I began to calculate the likelihood that my baby would survive. All I wanted was for him to live.
Dr. Westerholm arrived, and seeing her face at my bedside spoke volumes about the seriousness of delivering so early. She apologized over and over. She was heartbroken because she was on our side throughout this pregnancy. She wanted this baby to be term just as much as we did. I want you to understand that this time may be a little different than last time. Layla Bug did so well, but this baby is five weeks earlier. A baby is viable at 24 weeks, and the risk of mortality decreases each week then drops way off around 28 weeks, which is about where we are today. I heard the unspoken words clearly.

She did an ultrasound to verify presentation and told me that I would be having a cesarean. Baby was still transverse, so a vaginal delivery would not be possible. What was more was that I would be having a classic cesarean because of baby’s position. Your uterus will forever be weakened and you will never be able to deliver vaginally in the future.

I was numb as I was prepped for surgery. The anesthesiologist attempted to administer my spinal while I was lying down in an attempt to prevent my bag of waters from rupturing, which could lead to baby falling into the birth canal. He tried twice unsuccessfully. The team sat me up for the spinal, and in this position it was completed in one attempt in less than 15 seconds. I was later told that I was sitting in a pool of blood. I was too numb to notice. I felt the anesthesia take hold of my body as the team helped me to recline flat on my back. I looked into the surgical lights and could see my body reflected in the glass of the light bulbs. It was an out of body experience to see my body lying there but to not be able to feel it.

Surgery began and Tim was escorted to my bedside. We stared into each other’s eyes and did not need to speak. We both saw the shock, hurt, fear, and disappointment of being faced with another preterm delivery. Our fingers laced together as the journey began. The anesthesiologist’s voice was a dark cloud above my head as he explained that the delivery room would probably be silent when baby was born. You may not hear crying. If you do hear crying it will be very brief while baby is intubated. The breathing tube that will be inserted blocks the vocal cords… I floated away to wait for my son.

I felt tugging and pressure.“Delivery!” a nurse announced the arrival of Xavier Grant. I heard a gurgle and cries filled the room. All three doctors and nurses expressed surprise that he was breathing and crying! Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I thanked God for that small miracle. I tried to catch a glimpse of the piece of my soul that would forever live outside of my body, but the team of NICU nurses blocked my view. Apgar numbers were announced at 8 and 9.

I waited patiently to see my son. The NICU team finally brought him to see me, and I was completely humbled at the sight of him. I stared at his little face and listened to him cry. He was so small and fragile, yet his presence was so powerful. He no longer belonged to just me; I would have to share him with the perils of the world and all things unknown. Life had just begun for Xavier, and as he was taken to the NICU, I made the promise that many in my position have made before me: I would dedicate my life to making his better.

All we need is the dog...

2011-02-24T07:26:00.000-08:00

is what Tim said when we found out that our newest addition is a baby boy! I was pretty shocked, even though I have had symptoms that were light years away from the symptoms I had with Layla.

Even though I was only 15 weeks + 2 days, it was pretty apparent that the shape shifter was a boy. The appointment went well. I gained another two pounds, which puts me at 5 lbs total. Not bad, not great. I felt as if I had gained a ton more because it seems that I just can not get full! I have heard that when you are pregnant with a boy, you tend to be hungrier. I sure hope this little one has mercy on me. My prayer is that I make it out of this pregnancy weighing less than 400 lbs.
This week also marked the second week of my p-17 injections. The home health care nurse came over and instructed Tim on how to give the shot in my hip. The anxiety of having an intramuscular needle pierce through my skin, fat, and muscle was much worse than the actual act itself. The shots aren't bad at all. I actually didn't feel it all the first time, so I have dubbed my right side as "The Good Hip". Eh, only in the sense of how well it can take a intramuscular injection. Apparently it decided to be good at something since it is no good at holding up my body weight. I look pretty silly walking, and bouncing along as if I am normal and in shape, only to have the right hip slip in its determination to bring me to the ground. So far, I am winning the battle, but only because I know how to anticipate an attack seconds in advance.
Score: Me-1, Hip-0.

Missing that former life

2011-02-07T11:16:00.001-08:00

It's amazing how things in your life can change in an instant. Other than the occasional boredom, I have been content with being a stay at home mom to Layla. Today I visited my former school, and I realized just how much I miss everyone and teaching. It was bitter sweet seeing my classroom inhabited by another teacher. On one hand it's nice to see the room where you spent so much time and grew so much as a teacher, but on the other hand you feel territorial because you still feel like it is your room, and someone else is there with your things.
It was bittersweet seeing my old students. My heart swelled with pride when they squealed my name in excitement as soon as I walked into the building--wanting to jump out of their seats--but their allegiance to their new teacher kept them seated. It is nice to be remembered. It is amazing to be remembered, especially in young minds. Since I have been home, I have seen a student here and there, and they always come to say hi, but being in a school with many students shouting your name makes you feel like a celebrity for a day. :-) It was so nice to catch up with my former coworkers too. I really needed this today because I have been feeling...blah.
This pregnancy has been so much different than when I was pregnant with Layla. I already feel as if I am falling apart. Pubic symphysis disorder has already kicked in, my hips give out, my elbows ache, my knees ache, and my tailbone has to be soaked nightly. I am also "showing" a lot earlier than last time. I don't look pregnant yet, but my weight has started to redistribute itself to my stomach already, making it necessary for me to wear maternity shirts. I get nauseous a lot, but don't vomit as much.
I go back to the doctor on Feb 18, and may possibly be able to find out the gender of this baby. Tim and I are both hoping for another little girl, but since this child will complete our family, a boy will be fine.

First u/s

2010-12-24T07:01:00.001-08:00

I'd like to discuss the most important element of yesterday's u/s first. I GAINED TWO POUNDS!! After I gave my urine sample, the MA said the dreaded words, "I need you to go ahead and step on the scale." I take off my shoes in a misguided attempt to make myself weigh less and step on the scale. The numbers tallied, then flashed the total across the small screen, and I instantly remember why I don't like going to the doctor's. Jimminy Crickets!!
Even though I was five minutes late (which I hate), gained two pounds, and had a blood pressure slightly higher than normal, I had a good appointment.

My doctor found the heartbeat right away at 122 bpm. We weren't able to hear it because it was too early, but we saw it beating strongly. I was also measuring one week behind where I thought I was. This was slighly disheartening, but ultimately we must go by the doctor's measurements. My doctor assured me that this was normal and that some people are off on dates and their own estimates. She gave us five pictures and pointed out where the arm buds were. I couldn't tell where on the shapeshifter she saw arms, but we took her word for it.

I also want to note that this pregnancy is different from when I was pregnant with Layla. The most noticeable difference is that the fatigue is worse. I nap daily and go to bed between 8:30-9, and that's still not enough. I don't know how I chased kindergarteners around all day when I was pregnant with Layla.

Another noticeable difference is that my belly is bigger already and my tailbone is already killing me. I can't even sit down comfortably most days. I didn't get this ailment until late second trimester with Layla.

My boobs are also less sore. With Layla, I had to take one boob at a time out of my bra when I undressed.

Finally, I have less nausea. Don't get me wrong, it's there, but I have only vomited once, and this was before I even knew I was pregnant. I dry heave a lot and gag, especially in the mornings when we are brushing our teeth. Layla thinks it's funny and likes to imitate me. I just look at her and promise myself that one day when she becomes a mom, I will not hesitate to remind her of this.

First Appointment

2010-12-08T17:48:00.001-08:00

It's starting to feel more real and less like someone painted two pink lines on my pregnancy test.
Today we went for our first appointment. Everything was routine and as expected: pee in a cup, blood work, checking my weight and blood pressure. The doctor said that I will be monitored closely for preterm labor so that means good and bad news. The good news is that I will get plenty of ultrasounds. The bad news is that I will have to start weekly progesterone shots in the hip. Of course I consulted Dr. Google and found that those shots are supposed to be super painful. I guess it will be worth it though if they help me go full term. This is my sincerest hope and prayer, to deliver full term. I would stand on my head once a week for two hours if my doctor told me it would increase my chances of delivering a full term baby.

My first ultrasound is December 23. I can't wait to see the baby and to make sure everything is ok and progressing normally!

Overjoyed

2010-11-27T10:22:00.000-08:00

I am in shock, but we did it again.

Last Saturday I woke up in the middle of the night vomiting after eating beef. That tipped me off, as I couldn't tolerate red meat when pregnant with Layla. I took a series of tests, and they were all negative until yesterday.

I think I'm four weeks and due the first week of August, but I can't be sure until I see my doctor.

Tim and I are thrilled, but scratching temples.
They do come true when you believe.

Hurricane Layla

2010-09-14T06:59:00.001-07:00

Houston, we have a walker.
Amid all of the destruction, I am still thrilled.

This is her work on a daily basis. I have yet to come completely out of my neat-freak-structured-everythingmustbe-orderly mode. I'm working on it because I am exhausted.

Here she is singing "Ditzy Ditzy Bah Bah", her attempt to sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider".

2010-08-06T09:39:00.001-07:00

ONE YEAR!!!

2010-08-06T08:26:00.000-07:00

It's been forever, well five months, and I haven't updated. It's amazing how time gets away from you.
Layla is one now! I still can not believe how fast this year has flown by. In a year's time, she has evolved into her own little person and sometimes it is NOT good. :-) She is still a sweety, but she will not hesitate to let the world know when she is mad. A week ago, I told her Nana that she is now Queen of the Temper Tantrums. Her Nana said, "Oh no. Not with me she won't." At the time, I was thinking "Yes, with YOU she will." And like any other good, faithful daughter, she didn't let me down. The first time she visited Nana after that conversation, she let her have it. I mean ROYALLY. Apparently she was upset that bath time was over, so she threw herself backwards--classic fit fashion-- and proceeded to kick her way into oblivion. Really. She hit her head on the tub. All was well, but Nana called Tim at work, flustered, and eager to report the action. All I was thinking was, "I told you so."
She yells "STOP!" for two reasons. When you're doing something to her that she doesn't approve of (ie dressing, diapering, nose cleanings), and when SHE is doing something she knows we won't approve of (ie banging on the tv, throwing food on the floor).

There is never a dull day.

She loves to mock people, pretending she is rubbing lotion on her arms and hands, drinking coffee, typing on the laptop, or talking on the phone. She LOVES to read, and it fills me with joy to watch her read, play, and explore.

She had her one year appointment on the 26th of July, and I'm happy to report that she is 21 lbs (50th percentile) and the 90th percentile for height. Her devlopment is normal, and her pedi says "You wouldn't even know she was a preemie!"

We spent her birthday in Galveston and celebrated with family. It was definitely a great weekend, and she was phenomenal on the road trip!

2010-03-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

Loving cousins, Chelsea and Layla

Fighting cousins, Chelsea and Layla :-)

My itty bitty Layla is not so itty bitty anymore. I am amazed each day at the differences I see in her.
And she is such a daddy's girl! She will do things for him before she will do things for me. Example, she knows how to give kisses now (sweet!). Guess who got the first kiss? She can scoot and inchworm now. Guess who she scoots toward? She even says "dah-di" now. Not mama.

Here she is attempting to crawl. She does this all day long, but won't take her fingers out of her mouth long enough to really crawl. Notice she is sockless on one foot.

Still no signs of teeth, but I'm not in a hurry. I love her toothless smile!

I forgot to add something. She has become extremely active in the last month. Grabbing things, yanking things, slapping things out of my hands. Tearing the pages in my textbooks, banging and typing on the laptop. It's exhausing. Here she is with Daddy, "sharing" the laptop.

The only reason I'm typing stress free right now is because she's with her Nana. She spends the day with her Nana every other Thursday. Bittersweet.

30

2010-02-19T06:05:00.000-08:00

Is 30 the new 20? If so, someone please convice me of this elusive idea. On February 12, 2010, I woke up and was magically catapulted into an area I thought was too far away for me to reach. I did it.
If not for Layla, this would've been a more devastating event. I woke up at 2 am on February 12, went into her nursery, picked her up, and rocked her in the glider for 30 minutes or so. I was so incredibly happy to be so incredibly blessed to be a mother. She touched my face in the darkness as if to confirm it was me and not daddy, and went right back to sleep.
Layla reached 6 months last month. She's still an incredible baby. Still sleeping 10-11 hours straight at night, still easily pleased, still smiling and laughing at the tiniest things. She is, however, a lot more busy. She can't crawl yet, but she can inchworm and thrash around like a pro. I wonder if they have inchworm and/or thrash events in the Olympics. If so, she'd be a shoo in.
She says "dah-dah". I woke up one morning to hear her talking on the monitor. I go in and she looks at me and says "dah dah. dah.....dah. Dah Dah!" I said, "no, mahhhh-mahhhh." She blinked, put her pointer and middle fingers in her mouth and began sucking. I guess she was done talking.
At her 6 month appointment she was 15 lbs 8 oz and in the 50th percentile. 75% for height. She took her 6 month vaccinations like a pro. She was actually crying more because she didn't want her nurse to touch or look at her instead of the actual shots. Since then, she has outgrown some of her stranger anxiety. She actually lets one of my sisters hold and play with her. She'll also stay with her alone for a few hours. Other people, she can take em or leave em....mostly leave em.

Here she is doing what she loves best.

She loves all food except my homemade sweet potatoes. It's funny because she shivers with each bite like I'm feeding her manure. It kind of hurt my feelings at first, but I think it's a texture thing. I don't think I pureed it long enough or mixed in enough formula because she loves my homemade avocado.

In other news:
Grad school is a lot of work, but going well. I'm slated for a May 2011 graduation.

It's almost March and time to figure out whether I'm going back to work! Tim says no, I say I don't know. I try to avoid the issue because I feel a panic attack rising when I think of taking Layla to daycare. My, time flies. I'll know for sure by April though.

My goal is to try to update at LEAST once per month. I'll see you then!

Enigmatic Creature

2010-01-12T15:06:00.001-08:00

Babies are enigmatic creatures, or at least mine is. I, like most parents, worry about and look forward to each milestone being reached, but I find myself wondering more what is going on in that little head of hers. Layla is 5 1/2 months old now, and sometimes I feel that I know her better than myself, but sometimes she throws curve balls at me that I just don't know what to do with. She amazes me each day when a new part of her personality emerges.

She is antisocial:
Layla does not like people, and more recently has decided that she HATES my sister. Mind you, we see my sister at least three times per week. Yesterday we picked up my sister and headed to the grocery store. Layla was asleep when my sister got into the truck, and stayed asleep through the transition from truck to shopping cart. My sister was pushing a cart of her own, and I was pushing Layla in my cart. We stopped on the veggie aisle, and that's when Layla noticed that my sister had come along on the trip with us. She began to scream and didn't stop all day.

She is a prankster:
If and only if her diaper is full of an obscene amount of poop, she bursts out laughing as soon as I open her diaper. That amazes me. Tim says maybe she is reacting to my expression, but even the most stoic of expressions will not hinder her from bursting out laughing at my misfortune. I'm not talking a giggle either. I mean full belly laughs where her mouth is formed into a perfect 'O' and her head is thrown back against the changing pad. It's almost as if she is trying to say, "I would hate to be your right now!"

She is determined:
She recently found out that daddy has a beard. She stared at it for a full day before deciding she should familiarize herself with it. She started out by scrunching it in her hands, sort of the way she does her own hair. Later she decided she should really familiarize herself with it by, of course, putting it in her mouth. She spent most of the following day trying to pull it off. We know that's what she was trying to do because she would grab it, yank as hard as she can, then immediately look at her hand like, "Have I got it?" Limited results led to frustration and tears. She has Tim so wrapped that I kept expecting to come downstairs to find that he had shaved it off so he could hand it to her. He wants to give her the world, what's a beard in the grand scheme of things? :-)

Here are a few 5 month old pics of our growing bundle of joy!

2010-01-12T15:00:00.001-08:00

4 Months

2009-12-01T10:49:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in forever! I fully intended to do so, but there always seems like there is something else I should or could be doing...imagine that!

School is going well, and even better since this semester is almost over. I did really well. It's nice to have something in my life that doesn't have anything to do with babies.

Layla is doing great. She's still sleeping through the night from 8:30-7:30am, and I can tell you, it made me see motherhood in a whole new light. I've always loved my baby and loved being a mother, but when you are rest broken, you can get too caught up in the "maintenance" part of being a mother. Now that I'm well rested and the sleep deprived fog has been lifted from my brain, I can really really enjoy my child in a way that I couldn't at first.

She had her four month appointment and vaccinations last week. She is 25 inches, and a whopping 13 lbs 11 oz! She is in the 50th percentile for both height and weight. Not bad considering she was 4 lbs 10 oz at birth. She has already tripled her birth weight and the pedi is so happy with that. She is moving along on track developmentally and her pedi is not using any special preemie considerations or charts for her. Her pedi says she is a normal 4 month old in all respects. That made me very happy needless to say.

She has developed quite a few new skills since I last blogged. She can sit unassisted for a few seconds. She's still very wobbly, but she knows to put her hands in front of her between her legs to support herself. She babbles, squeals, laughs boisterously at the smallest thing.....she's basically an...er.....pretty noisy baby. She loves to stand and is giving my arms a workout by forcing me to hold her in a standing position for minutes on end. I was tempted to run down and get an exercauser or jumperoo right away, but decided to wait to see what she gets as gifts for her first Christmas.

We also started her on rice cereal last weekend because we got the go ahead from the pedi. As expected, she LOVED it. She is such a piggy. The only problem is that she is used to the immediate gratification of sucking all of her meals, so she gets frustrated because we can't seem to spoon it up for her fast enough.

She also does the cutest thing. She discovered her hands in a new way at 4 months old. She makes them into fists, as if she has something tasty inside of them. Then she stares at them back and forth all day. Then she turns them ever so slowly, as if looking for the most savory part, and takes a few nibbles at it. When she gets tired of tasting that one, she goes to the next one to see what that one tastes like.

Here is a 4 month photo! She'll have professional ones done in January when she can behave, as Tim calls it. :-)

Brief Update

2009-10-16T17:59:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me that I haven't blogged in a while. I think that is due in part to me suffering from tennis elbow. I've had it mildly before in the past, but what I have now can be described as the equivalent to submerging your arm in a bucket of fire. Some days its hard for me to even clench my fist. I think toting Layla's carrier around has accentuated the condition. She's 11 lbs now, and there is no telling how much the carrier weighs.

The little piggy is doing great! She's sleeping 10 straight hours at night, and takes two naps during the day. She is so alert and observant of everything when she's not napping and is quick to flash a goofy smile when she's happy. She loves riding in the truck and going out and about.

Speaking of which, I almost turned into Chun Li today at the Dollar Tree. Some well intending grandma came over gushing about how pretty Layla was in her dress and proceeded to rub her cheek. I assumed a karate stance to deliver a kung pao blow that would instantly disconnect her feeble hands from my child's cheek...in my mind .
In real life I smiled and scrambled away from her as fast as I could manage.

Hello....uh......H1N1?
Eczema flare up?

We're going to go shopping for a Halloween costume tomorrow. I'm bringing my sister as protection against the grandmas that may be lurking on every corner.

I'll post pics of the costume soon!

2009-10-01T19:28:00.000-07:00

Layla pooped in her tub again last night. How did I feel about that? See above expression. I didn't think lightening could strike twice in the same place, but I was wrong. This time around I was able to keep my composure. Well sort of. I snatched her out of the tub and bolted for the nursery to put a diaper on her before she ruined everything. Too late of course. Of course now I am trying to mastermind a plan to prevent this from ever happening to us again. At the rate she's going, we'll need another baby tub by the time she's six months. Seriously, when it happened last night I debated on hauling the whole tub out to the garage to add it to today's garbage pick up. I changed my mind seeing as how they pick up enough poop with all the diapers I have for them each Monday and Thursday.

About an hour ago I put Layla on the couch so I could run to the kitchen to get her another ounce of milk. I put her on her back and left for less than a minute. When I got back she was on her tummy. How did I feel about that? See above expression. She had an arm trapped under her, but she was fine. I would like an explanation as to how she has become so mobile in such a short period of time. Tim doesn't know yet because he was sleeping when it happened. I don't think he'll be as shocked as I am though since he's constantly referring to the mounds of baby fat on her arms as muscles.

Each night since the first night she did it, Layla has been sleeping for 5-6 hour stretches at night. How do I feel about that? See above expression. You would think that with all those hours of consecutive sleep added to her repertoire, I would take advantage and run for the bed as soon as she's down. I don't. I watch t.v. I blog. I browse. I take a long shower. It's wonderful.

She's growing up!

2009-09-23T06:34:00.000-07:00

Three nights ago I was awaken by the feeling that I was over sleeping for something. I looked at the clock and the bright red numbers read 2:35. I laid there and let the digits sink into my sleep fogged mind. 2:35? How could it be 2:35? I had put Layla to bed at 10 pm after a fussy 2 hours and hadn't been up to tend to her since. Had she cried and I not heard? Had Tim gone to take care of her and I didn't notice? That couldn't be possible because I'm a light sleeper and hear everything. I looked at the monitor and didn't hear or see anything. I tore the sheet off of me and bolted for the nursery. I put my face close to hers and immediately heard the reassuring sighs and baby grunts.

She was asleep.

She had slept 4 hours and 35 minutes and did not call for me once. I replayed the night's events over and over to make sure my timing wasn't off. I reached the same conclusions and calculations over and over again. It was really 4 hours and 35 minutes.

I sat down in the glider to contemplate what to do. Was it possible she was sick? Do I wake her up and feed her? Take her temperature? Say hello?

Ten minutes later I decided to leave her be and go back to bed.
She finallly woke up to eat 15 minutes later , yielding a grand total of 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Wow!

My life for the past 8 weeks has been segmented into three hour blocks. Since the time she was born she was waking every three hours from the start of the last feeding, and now she is able to do five in a row!

She's growing up.

I've also had to start the inevitable task of packing away clothes that she has outgrown.

Time has wings.

From the beginning....

2009-09-16T16:49:00.001-07:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

The Horror!

2009-09-11T07:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we made it through our first appointment without daddy. I made an appointment for Layla on Wednesday for Thursday afternoon because she was exhibiting some signs of re.flux. She had been gagging, becoming agitated at the end of feeds, and spitting up a little bit more than usual. I consulted Dr. Google first, and Dr. Google said that it may be re.flux so I called the nurse after hours and had her set us up for an appointment.

More on that later, but first I’d like to record what happened before the dr’s appointment.
I got dressed first, then woke Layla up for her bath. While I was getting ready my sister called me so I chatted with her while getting prepared. I put the baby in the tub and started to bathe her. I diverted my eyes for a millisecond to put more soap on her washcloth.

Nothing on God’s green earth could’ve prepared me for the horror I was about to witness. My heart dropped into my stomach. I stifled inappropriate language—I’m a mommy you know—so consequently what escaped from my mouth was a strangled scream. My sister yells, “What happened? What’s going on??!”

I tried to focus and my mind started to process the scene before me.

She had pooped in the tub.

I could not articulate to my sister what had happened fast enough I guess, so she proceeded to ask over and over what happened.

Layla starts to wail, as if the poop fairy had snuck into her restroom and flung a tablespoon of poop into her bath water just to sabotage her day.

I explained to my sister what happened, and explained to Layla that she had done it; it was her poop.

I didn’t know what to do. My sister calmly explained the steps I should take to make things right, then we hung up so I could get to work. Over the next 10 minutes I was in a swirl of diapers, baby wipes, Clorox wipes, and plenty of hot water.
By the end of it all I was covered in either bath water or sweat. I couldn’t tell which was which.

I was so afraid we would be late to our appointment. I HATE being late, especially for appointments.
*Mommy lesson numero uno. Babies are not like regular people. NEVER bathe a baby right before leaving the house. See, I’m pretty obsessive and I know it takes 7 minutes for Layla’s bath, and 9 minutes for a bath+shampoo. I only allowed that amount of time, which was silly of me in hindsight.
All in all the day was salvaged.

Here she is at happier times.

She likes to try to catch the water in her mouth when I use her "shower" on her. He he!

Ok, so back to the dr’s appointment. Dr. Wal.lace listened to my concerns, examined the baby, and determined that she did have some early signs of re.flux, but there really isn’t much we should do just yet. We have to wait until her symptoms are more significant.
She also said that she has a little bit of baby acne, which most babies get and will clear up in a few weeks on its own, and a little bit of ecz.ema on her chin. I was horrified when she said ecz.ema. I had already suspected that’s what was on her chin because I had a 30 minute consultation with Dr. Google a few nights ago, but I was hoping for better news. My nephew had it bad and it made him miserable. He was constantly scratching, and it ruined the color and texture of his skin. It doesn’t always get that bad, so I’m hoping it stays localized on her chin and then goes away. Dr. Wall.ace says to keep it dry and put Vaseline on it.

We’ll just have to wait and see.
The waiting. The horrible waiting.
Anyway, she put on another lb of baby fat in about a week. She is currently 9lbs!

Mommy

2009-09-09T08:50:00.000-07:00

Next week Layla and I will go visit a real school. We are visiting my old school and coworkers after our dr's appointment.

Layla and I do "school" every day. We have circle time. We read books. We do songs. We play games. We do tummy time.
We are a classroom of two.
Tim says, "Rae, isn't it a little too early for school?"
I say, " A little."
He says, "Hmmm. You miss teaching."
I say, "Hmmm."
It's official. I miss work. I think about work and my thoughts are nostalgic. I miss my school, my coworkers, my kids, my classroom.
I miss being a person responsible for instilling education, values, and love for life in a child times twenty. I miss being involved, intertwined, mingled.

But.

I look into the eyes of my daughter and I know that I am instilling education, values, and love for life in a child. She smiles, and I know that I am loved -- times twenty.

We are important to each other. We give each other meaning; life.

In the words of a woman from my due date club, "At the end of life, no one ever wishes they had worked more."

Nor will I.

Insightful.

Daddy

2009-09-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

Layla Grace is a very lucky girl.
If only I were so lucky (insert wistful sigh here).

She loves her daddy, and he loves her. It makes me love her daddy even more when I see what a wonderful bond the two of them have together.

I love watching them play. I love how he encourages her during "tummy time".
I love how she wakes from her nap, however short it may be, when he comes home from work and hears his voice. She trades her normal kitten cry for a shriller cry that says, "You're home! Come pick me up!"?
I love how he picks her up during those cries each day and asks her loudly, "What IS your major malfunction?!"
And in a sleepy voice at 2am on the monitor I hear, "What...is yer...major.....malfunction?"

(A quote from some army movie. I liked the movie, but I can't remember the title)

I can only imagine what her response will be to him when she's two years old and he has to discipline her. I have a feeling that, in her toddler voice, she'll be quoting that same army movie.

5 Weeks

2009-08-31T13:16:00.001-07:00

Layla got the second in her series of hep b vaccinations. I had been worried and agonizing about it all night.

I knew it would hurt.

I knew she would cry.

What I knew was right.

She cried and it broke my heart. I stood there with a phony grin plastered to my face. The alternative would not have been appropriate in a dr's office for children.

She is resting peacefully now. All 8 lbs 1/2 ounce of her.

Triple Chin Chica

2009-08-26T10:13:00.000-07:00

I forgot to report that Ms. Layla Grace is now 7 lbs, according to the nurse at her one month visit last Friday. That 7 lbs comes complete with a triple chin, two fat creases per chubby little arm, and gloriously chunky thighs. I love it all.

The dr was very pleased with her weight gain of nearly 2 lbs in 2 weeks.

She was looking so chunky this morning, and I tried to capture the chunk with a picture from my phone.

She is constantly changing! It seems she looks different nearly every day. I am so glad that I am here and home to see it all unfold!

The Great Foot Escape

2009-08-24T14:35:00.001-07:00

I have never liked hot feet. I loathe socks, and will only wear them if it's ten below zero. Someone who didn't know me personally would be shocked if they visited me while I was asleep because they would find me fully covered with a blanket or sheet from shoulders to ankles. Yes, ankles. I have gotten used to being teased by family members from time to time. I never thought much about it, but I did figure it to be a weird and uncommon trait to have.

Imagine my surprise when I finally put two and two together and figured out why I was having such a hard time keeping Layla's feet and legs covered. I would swaddle her, or cover her with a blanket while she slept, only to find 2-3 minutes later that her feet, and only her feet, had escaped and broken free. I would methodically cover her feet again and again only to pass by her crib or pack-n-play moments later to witness blanket free feet.
Finally, I decided to stand and watch to see how The Great Foot Escape occurs. I covered her up and watched. She started by kicking one foot until it was free from the blanket, and then repeated the process with the other foot, all the while grunting as if in distress. I laughed out loud when she was done.
It finally dawned on me that she hates hot feet!
Some how, some way, that quirk of mine got woven into the strands of her DNA.
It's exciting to meet someone else who can feel my pain.
I only have to wait, oh, five years or so to discuss this with her.
I'll wait.

3 weeks

2009-08-17T10:40:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how time is flying! Layla is already 3 1/2 weeks old. I sat and thought, was that really almost a month ago when I went through the most eventful afternoon of my life? Hard to believe, but the child is the proof. She has gotten so big. At her two week appointment she was 5 lbs 4 oz. She goes back for a weight check this Friday. I'm thinking she's probably 6 1/2 lbs by now. Her face,thighs, and belly have gotten so round and chunky!

I took these pictures this morning after she forgave me for putting on her headband. She HATES headbands.

Here she is expressing her obvious distaste for her headband.

Calmer now... A pose and a quick "maybe smile".

Winding down with her soothie...

Catching up on some z's...

Last night was her first all nighter in her crib. I didn't expect to put her in there so soon, but I decided to try it since Tim went back to work today and we wouldn't have anyone to move the pack-n-play from our bedroom to the family room. I had decided there was no way I was going to break that thing down and move it downstairs in the morning, and upstairs in the evening.

It went well for both of us. Our monitor works great. So great that I can hear every breath and every whimper. I think once we both get completely used to it, we will have even better sleep at night.

Here is the final picture of the nursery. Last time I posted, the crib was still en route to us. Tim got it all put together and set up a week and a half ago.

That's all for now folks! Duty calls!

Not smiles after all

2009-08-07T15:56:00.001-07:00

2 am feeding finished, my eyes are heavy with lack of sleep. I look at Layla, wondering when her eyes will grow as heavy as mine. I yawn and glance at the clock wondering when I will be able to return to sleep. She looks at me innocently. Her eyes squint. The left side of her top lip lifts into what Tim and I have dubbed "The Elvis Smile". The other corner lifts to create what looks like a full smile. My heart melts and I laugh. I think of bragging and setting the pedi straight at the next appointment that babies this young CAN smile.
An explosive sound fills the room. The sound startles me, but she is unaffected. She grunts and closes her eyes, entering into a deep sleep.

She has just pooped.
She refuses to sleep until she has pooped. Everyday. Each nap. Each night.

In the movies you often see parents of newborns joking with each other about whose turn it is to change the poopy diaper. Not us. There is no need. We have come to the conclusion that if there is a diaper, and if that diaper is attached to our child, there is a 96% chance that pulling the diaper's elastic edge to the side will reveal that it is in fact a poopy diaper. So you see, we each get more than a fair shot at changing a dirty diaper.
I am still puzzled and in awe that someone that small could produce so much waste. I told Tim that we should double bag the diaper trash bags. He asked why, and I told him that I had a dream the other night that made me a little edgy. My dream was that when the garbage collector tried to hoist the bags into the back of the truck, one of the bags broke free and tumbled out into the street. The impact broke the bag open and revealed our terrible, terrible secret that we are excessive landfill contributors.
When the garbage truck came yesterday, I watched inconspicuously from behind the blinds, heart racing, to see if my nightmare would come true. It seemed that it took him forever, but after ten seconds or so I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. Secret safe for now.
I'm not sure how many diapers she's used since coming home last Saturday, but I can tell you that if we wanted to build a clubhouse out of cheap materials, we have plenty on hand.

2009-07-31T12:05:00.000-07:00

:-) :-)

Ticking Along

2009-07-30T11:08:00.000-07:00

Layla is doing great so far! She has graduated to all bottle feeds, and is doing well with that. Since it takes a lot of work and effort to feed from a bottle all day, we are finding that she is sleeping more and taking longer to finish her bottles. Her nurses say that this is normal.
When we go for tonight's visit, we will bring her car seat! I've been waiting on the day they asked us to bring the car seat because that means she is going home soon if all continues to progress at the same rate. With premature babies they test to make sure the baby will be ok in a car seat for the ride home. They will put her in the car seat and hook her up to a monitor to make sure her breathing and heart rate stay normal.
After she passes that test Tim and I will have to come and "room in". They will put us in a post partum room with her alone for the night to make sure that we are able to care for her unassisted. The nurse said we can expect to do that Saturday or Sunday. Then guess what? The next morning she's allowed to go home!!!!
We are praying she continues to eat well so we can have her home by Monday. I'll update as soon as we get the green light.

Birth Story

2009-07-27T11:12:00.000-07:00

Can't believe that I'm writing a birth story in July, but I am. Layla Grace decided to make her grand entrance at 3:32 p.m on July 24th, 6 1/2 weeks early.

Here is a very detailed account of what happened.

Part I :)

Thursday, I took a shower and went to bed as normal around 10-11. Nothing out of the ordinary. I slept just fine. I took my two potty breaks as normal. My last one was around 3 am.

6:20 am- I was awaken by sharp pains in my lower stomach. I went to the restroom and had loose stool. I figured that must be the culprit. I felt a little better after the bowel movement, so I laid back down to go to sleep. Sleep didn't find me. For the next 30 minutes pain shot through my lower stomach. I laid on my left side..no relief. I laid on my right side...no relief. I got on my hands and knees...no relief. I figured it was some type of infection, bladder or urinary tract. I briefly wondered if these were contractions I was feeling, but I shrugged it off because it didn't feel anything like the way it was described to me by other people or in our child birth class. There was no pain that radiated from my back to my stomach. There was no squeezing feeling. But I noticed the pains came with relief. I would feel pain, then the pain would go away. I got a little nervous because it was then that I realized the pains had a pattern. I timed them and it was EXACTLY 5 minutes from the time I had one pain, to the onset of another. I texted Tim, who was already at work, to inform him that I was dying. He asked me did I want to go to the hospital. I told him my paperwork from the dr said to wait an hour if you think you are having contractions 5 minutes apart, and that I would get into the shower to see if that made my stomach feel better.

I'll tell you what, now I see why they say water is natures epidural. The water made my stomach feel a lot better. The pain was still there, but they were more bearable. As soon as I turned the shower off, the pain was back at the intensity it was before I got into the shower.

I texted Tim again and told him to come home and take me to the hospital.

It was before 8 am, and I didn't want to wait for my dr to call me back, so I called labor and delivery and spoke with a nurse. She told me I was probably dehydrated, but to come in to be monitored.

8:15 am- We pull up at the hospital after about 6 minutes, but it seemed like it was a 30 minute ride full of bumps and turns. The pain is still hitting me hard. Tim asked me did I want him to pull up front so he could let me out. I told him I wasn't made of cake and was perfectly capable of walking to the entrance from the parking lot.

8:30 am- I'm dressed in a hospital gown and lying in a bed in the prenatal testing room. They had already had me give them a urine sample and they hooked me up to the fetal monitors. The nurse did an internal exam to check my cervix. She couldn't find it and told me that was a good sign that it was still really high and closed. The nurse informed me she was calling my dr to see how to proceed. I went somewhere in my mind to deal with the pain for the time being.

9:30 am- Relief finally came. The nurse told me this was the plan in this order: 1.IV for fluids in case I was dehydrated. 2.Terbutaline to stop the contractions. (I didn't even know I was having contractions at that point because the nurse kept calling them pains...not contractions)3.Fetal fibronectin test to see if birth was imminent in the next few weeks. 4.Another internal exam. The dr said to find my cervix by any means necessary. 5. A sono to check cervical length.6. A shot of betamethasone to develop the baby's lungs in case she did decide to come. 7.Some pain medicine, not sure of the name now, but it was something that sounded excellent at the time.

After she gave me the terbutaline, I finally felt coherent enough to speak and ask questions. The contractions were still there, but the shot made them bearable.

The nurse inserted the q-tip for the fetal fibronectin test, and all hell broke loose when she took it out. It was bright red and covered with blood. She asked me was I sure I hadn't had any bleeding. I told her I was absolutely sure. She set the q-tip to the side and did the internal exam. She looked puzzled. She went and got another nurse, and she repeated the internal exam. They closed the curtain and we could hear them whispering. I thought, great, they're about to tell me I'm dilating.

They came back and said, honey you're dilated to 8-9. You're having your baby today. I told them they must be wrong, and that's when she explained that she second guessed herself and that's why she had another nurse repeat the exam. She said I didn't fit the profile of a woman in active labor because I was so calm. She told me earlier when she couldn't find my cervix, it wasn't because it was high and closed, it was because it was gaping open. She said they would confirm it with the sonogram.

10:00 am- The sonographer came in and did the sonogram. Within seconds of putting the probe on my stomach she pipes up and told the nurses, yep! you guys were right. 8 centimeters. Now I didn't go to sonography school, but as soon as I looked at the screen I saw a perfect, wide open circle, and I knew that was my cervix on the screen. I began to believe.

10:15am -They whisked me away to a labor and delivery room. By this time I'm completely and utterly horrifed. This was not going the way I had planned. I was only 33 1/2 weeks. My pedicure wasn't done. I hadn't shaved. My bag wasn't packed. This could not be happening. Except it was.

Part II :)

10:20am- My room was filled with people. Two labor and delivery nurses, the "angel"stesiologist for the epi, 4 NICU staff members, and my dr who came running up the stairs out of breath. Everything was happening at once. If you don't get anything else from this part, please understand how simultaneous everything was. Tim and one nurse held me in position for the epi. Another nurse was pumping penicillin through my IV on the highest setting because time was such a factor(ouch!). I hadn't been tested yet for group beta strep, so they gave me penicillin just in case. Someone else from somewhere jabbed a needle in my thigh to give me the betamethasone for the baby's lungs. My dr was asking me questions. All of this, and I had to be perfectly still for the epi.

10:30am- Epi in place, my dr cleared out the room for the time being once she found my bag of waters to still be intact. 9 centimeters. She didn't want to rupture the bag just yet to give my body time to absorb the betamethasone and penicillin. She told me if I was still pregnant by 2:30, she could rupture the bag and I would deliver. She needed at least 4 hours for the medications to work.

10:30am-2:30pm- Some how I stayed pregnant. I prayed and relaxed. Ate some ice chips and a Popsicle. Experienced amazement on how my skin could itch, but I couldn't feel it when I scratched. Marveled at how I could feel the urinary catheter being placed, but not feel any pain. Talked to my sisters who had made it up there. Made a list of things I would need, and sent Tim home to get them.

245 pm- Dr broke my water. Clear fluid. Pushed my leg back and told me to push. I pushed. When I did, she told me the baby came way down. She had the nurse alert NICU because she said things would move fast.

3:00pm- My bed was raised as high as it could go, and my legs were in stirrups. I could hear The Cosby Show coming on, and somewhere in the distance the shouts of "push" filled the room. I remember thinking, who are all these people? Don't get me wrong, modesty was out of the window, but I never figured so many people would be needed for a delivery. I pushed and pushed. Tim had one leg, and a nurse had the other. The nurse told me to relax my legs, hold on to the back of them, and push. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I didn't think it would work, but it finally did. I visualized forceps, and I pushed as hard as I could.

3:32pm- Cries filled the room. Layla Grace was born. 4 lbs, 10 oz, 17 1/2 inches long. Tim cut the cord, but the dr handed her directly to the NICU team. All I could do was cry and stare. She looked so perfect and precious and I could not believe that she had just come from my body. I remembered when she was just a flicker on an ultrasound screen with a steady bump for a heartbeat, and now she was here. I was completely humbled at God's work.

The placenta was delivered shortly after. No tears and the dr said I should heal nicely.

We were able to hold her for a short time before she went to NICU. Definitely a precious moment.

I am so happy to say that she's doing well. It was hard leaving her at the hospital yesterday, but we know that's the best place for her right now until she learns how to bottle feed. Hopefully our little ladybug will be home soon.

P.S Thanks for all the well wishes! If I don't return your call, text, or email right way, you know where I am! :)

33 Weeks

2009-07-20T10:10:00.000-07:00

Nursery pics. Work in progress. We are 75% finished. We just need the crib and need to hang up her name above her crib and a few more decorations. Almost there!

32 Week Appointment

2009-07-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

Today I had my appointment. I fully went in expecting it to be in and out as it has been for the past 2 months.
Blood pressure and urine sample normal. I gained 1 pound. That's up only 1 lb in the past 4 weeks for a grand total of 12 lbs.
The dr comes in and she tells me I'm doing great with my weight gain by keeping it under 20 lbs, however, she wants to do an u/s to make sure the baby is gaining and doing well.
That got me scared. She takes me to the u/s room and the sonographer is in there with another patient. I had to wait in the area outside the u/s room. Waiting there alone made me worry more and more, and soon my worry spiraled out of control.
15 minutes later I'm in the chair for the u/s. The first thing I saw was that the baby was so still. You already know what I thought, this is in spite of the fact that I had just heard the baby's heart rate by doppler with the dr. Irrational fears.
Anyway, she did some measurements and said everything looked great. The baby is 4 lbs 5 oz and she is measuring in the 43rd percentile. I asked what that meant, and she said on average babies measure at the 50th percentile and anything above that means the baby is on the larger side, and anything below that means the baby is on the smaller side.
I am glad she's doing fine, but of course I'm disturbed that she didn't quite make the grade. Maybe it's the teacher in me, but I sure wished she had said the baby was measuring in the 51st percentile at least.

*sigh*

I'm trying not to think about it.
I'm trying to figure out how to get another u/s.
I'm trying to behave as a civil, rational expectant mother.

Tales of the Mall Fiasco

2009-07-10T09:23:00.001-07:00

My mall days are over too....at least for a while. I was bored yesterday and decided to go to the mall by myself. It all started off ok. I shopped for a bit in Macy's, then left there in search of Gymboree. Well I ended up walking from one end of the mall to the other searching for Gymboree which of course is too far for me. I felt terrible. I felt like a big, fat, wheezing elephant who was about to be put down for sore joints and bad hips. I ended up parking on a bench by the ice skating rink for about 15 minutes. Two teenagers walked smoothly, and effortlessly by me, chatting then laughing amongst themselves. I found myself wondering if they were laughing at the sight that I was.
That gave me enough strength and courage to make it back towards Macy's where I parked. On my walk back, I FINALLY found Gymboree. It was close enough to Macy's. I just didn't see it because it was downstairs on the side I was initially walking on. Anyway, I get there still feeling whoozy and couldn't find one thing that I wanted. I don't think anyone could...unless of course you wanted to buy overpriced dresses with matching socks. Baby already has tons of dresses. So I left there disappointed and started towards Macy's again. By this time everything on my body was aching. I decided I needed a sugar and caffeine rush to make me feel better. I limped towards Macy's, glancing casually at the different drink stands. Nothing there at any of the drink stands was under 3.50, and I wasn't prepared to make that type of commitment. Just when I thought I couldn't go any further, the heavens opened and I spotted a pepsi machine. Not my favorite or first choice, but it would work in a pinch. I get there and pay the machine 1.50 and pressed the button that would yield a pepsi. Guess what?

A DIET pepsi came out.

I stood there in disbelief and tears for a full minute before I finally accepted my fate. I looked around to see if there was anyone who could feel my pain or someone who I could vent to. I was alone.

I finally crept to the escalator. I got to my car maybe 15 minutes later. I walked outside, and wouldn't you know the earlier cloud cover had disappeared and the temps had started their upward climb to 102 degrees. I instantly started sweating.

All of that, and the only thing I had to show for it was a 5 pack of side snap shirts from Macy's, a DIET pepsi, and a broken crotch and hip bones.

Tim said that I am now on bed rest.

That's the end of my mall fiasco.

Also, I've gotten huge! Here are my 31 week pictures to prove.

We are BIG girls. To prove just how big she is, she just kicked me in the bladder as hard as she could. You can only imagine what happened next.

31 Weeks or so

2009-07-05T12:35:00.000-07:00

My movie days are over. At least for the next 2 1/2 months that is. Tim and I went to the movies to see Transformers II yesterday, and I was in agony. My back, hips, crotch, thighs, knees, and ankles ached the whole time. I couldn't get up and walk around or go to the restroom because the theater was super crowded, and I hate having to squeeze through people. I finally fell into a deep 30 minute nap, but was awakened to the baby twisting and turning in my stomach. I guess the movie got too loud for her or something. We came home and Tim gave me a 30 minute massage to work out the kinks, then we headed to Mansfield to see the fireworks.
All in all it was a good day and my soreness is gone for the most part.

Work in Progress

2009-07-02T06:42:00.000-07:00

We're currently hard at work trying to put the nursery together.It's hard work, but fun work.

My job was to put up the painter's tape. I also helped do the measurements for the chair rail Tim installed.

Tim painted.

And painted.
And finally arrived at this!
We still have a lot of work to do, but it's coming along. I'm so proud of daddy! He did such a good job executing my ideas.

Salt and Sugar

2009-06-26T11:59:00.000-07:00

So much sadness going on this week with the passing of first, Ed Mcmahon, then Farrah Fawcett, then Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson's passing was definitely a shocker for us. Tim said he thought he would live until he was 90. I can't say that's what I thought, but I never thought about him passing too. Sad. We've been watching all of his old videos on BET and MTV for a few hours.
In the wake of all this tragedy, it does bring me joy to show off our little girl! We went for a 3D/4D u/s today at 930. All morning I had been nervous that a) she would be a boy, or b) she wouldn't cooperate. Although there would be nothing we could do if she sprouted a penis, I tried my best to be proactive in getting her to cooperate and not hide her face. I wanted her to put on a show. When the tech put the probe on my belly, we automatically saw that she had her arm over her face. I said, "Oh no!" The tech jiggled my belly a little, and she moved her arm. We got some good pictures and decent footage, but I had to do some moving around to get her to cooperate fully. We watched her yawn, open and close her mouth, stick out her tongue, and grab her cord to try to get it in her mouth. I may be biased but this kid is cute! So cute!

After about 15 minutes she put her little hand up, as if to say, "that's all folks" and turned around to face my back. It was cute, but that concluded our u/s. I thought it was a bit pricey at $165, but it was well worth it. It was such a good bonding experience and such a miracle to be able to see our daughter in action. We got 14 pictures, a dvd of the footage, and a cd with pictures on it.

This is my favorite pic. Look at those chunky cheeks!

This one was funny. For one thing she looks like she's smiling. She was also tickling or scratching her foot against her head.

We're in love!

28 Weeks

2009-06-19T19:51:00.000-07:00

We started our prepared childbirth classes last week at 27 weeks. Every Thursday night from 630-900 for 5 weeks. It's a great class. Very relaxed and very informative. We went to the second class yesterday and learned our first breathing technique. It was great. We got out the floor mats, the instructor dimmed the lights, and then took us through some relaxation techniques. She followed that up with the breathing technique. So far I think I'm a pro at at it.
Well I got the official results of my glucose tolerance at today's 28 week appointment. Everything came back great at 125. Although I have known for at least a week now that I passed, I was relieved to hear it come out of her mouth.
Everything else was normal. Heart rate 156. Gained, er, two pounds. Dr was happy with that though. She also recommended a pedi for us. I was relieved because I had been stressing about finding one for a month. Seems like the few recommendations I have gotten from coworkers and family just won't work for me for one reason or another. Plus, seems like word of mouth doesn't work for me. I end up getting screwed when I rely on someone else's recommendation.
We got the nursery painted this afternoon! So far I am pleased with the shade of pink we chose. I'll know for sure how I feel about it in the morning once everything dries. Updates coming soon!

Awwww! A car seat!

2009-06-10T11:03:00.000-07:00

Who knew we would be so excited over a car seat and stroller? Well last Sunday, Tim and I went to BRU and bought our travel system. We bought the Graco Snugride-Jewel.

Here is the proud papa tinkering away. He tore open all the boxes as soon as we got home and put everything together and registered it.

In other news, I guess I passed my GTT. At my dr's office they only call you if you have a bad result. I haven't heard from them yet. I'm hoping that means all is well. I'll know for sure in a little while at my next appointment.

Glucose Tolerance Test

2009-06-05T15:47:00.000-07:00

Today I went in for my 26 week appointment and glucose tolerance test. The appointment was simple of course. Weighed, urinalysis, talked about concerns. I told the nurse that I was concerned that I may have a bladder and/or urinary tract infection because I get these intense urges to urinate like my bladder is about to explode, yet when I get on the toilet a lot of the times only a few dribbles will come out. She told me that I didn't have an infection and it's more than likely the way the baby is positioned in the uterus. I guess our little girl likes to squish my bladder because this feeling is ongoing and throughout the day.
Weight gain, or lack thereof. I only gained 1lb! I was very happy. I'm praying that baby continues to grow and develop normally but my weight gain has come to a halt.
Blood pressure normal.
Glucose tolerance test., hopefully normal. I drank the glucola relatively quickly. I did feel nausea about 10 minutes later, and I hope that's not an indication of failure. We will find out next week though.

Baby Shower

2009-06-02T15:37:00.000-07:00

Today I had my shower at work. They went ahead and did it now since Thursday is the last day of school, Friday is our last work day, and I won't be returning to work next school year. It was fun, and I got some cool stuff.

I got one one of those bebe POD seats for baby. Cute!

About $400 in gift cards from Baby's R Us, Target, and Walmart.

A sleep-n-play with cutie on the front.

A cute little outfit with a baby doll shirt, capris, and bib.

Four onesies with princess, cutie etc on them.

3 pairs of socks. Awwww.

A crocheted blanket and mittens. Love it!

My coworkers did such a good job on the shower. I'm so happy and humbled that they would do something like this for me at one of our busiest times of the year. It was so nice to get gifts for our little girl. I just couldn't stop smiling.

Fiesty mama!

2009-05-09T07:52:00.001-07:00

We are having one fiesty little girl.
Through all of my pre-existing fluff I felt her kicking and punching right below my navel this morning. From the outside!
She did it about 8 times. Tim was asleep and missed all the fun.

22 Week Appointment

2009-05-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

Everything went great, not much to report. Blood pressure normal, results of the genetic screen normal, and the heartbeat was normal. I gained another 4 lbs since the last visit, which brings us to a total of what I believe to be 16 lbs. Dr. W counts my prepregnancy weight as the weight I was at when I had my 10 week appointment at my old ObGyn, so according to her I'm only up 10 lbs. I think I like her calculations better.
I found out our little girl really does LOATHE the doppler. When Dr. W put the probe on my stomach, she kicked me so hard that I believe it would've been felt from the outside. Too bad I didn't have my hand there to catch it.
I go back in three weeks for my glucose tolerance test. Oh joy.

Yayy for hamburgers!

2009-04-24T11:35:00.000-07:00

We just got back from our 20 week anatomy scan. So far, everything looks great. HB still 159. For the past two weeks, I had let my mind wander to the what-ifs. One of them being, what if baby sprouts a penis?? You hear stories all the time about women being told one gender, and going back and finding out something different. Well she is still a she. Clear as day.

Classic "hamburger".

Baby was moving around so much though that the tech had a semi-difficult time getting what she needed. I liked the movement though. It was truly fascinating to see her moving around so much. At one point we saw her open her little mouth wide and yawn. The tech said it was a yawn, I think she was tasting the taquito that I had eaten about an hour earlier. The tech flipped it to 3-D to get us a picture, and we could see her opening and closing her mouth and what looked like her licking her fist.

She likes to eat. Wonder where she gets that appetite from. :)

Tim was amazed, like last time, at the technological advancement of the 3-D u/s. It's so hard for him to interpret the 2-D ones. I think she looks beautiful and so much different than the image we saw at our 18 week u/s. Tim says she still looks scary. Maybe, but it's a process. She's a process.

She's a whopping 11 oz, up 3 oz in two weeks. I am so thankful and grateful that everything is looking good. Who knew I would ever be here? Who knew?? I am finally going to be a mother.

20 Weeks

2009-04-21T16:39:00.000-07:00

Halfway there! Though it doesn't seem like it. I'm happy to report everything is going OK so far. Nausea is pretty much non-existent, but I still vomit every once in a while. I figured out that I, or baby, can't tolerate beef too well. If I eat thick cuts of beef it comes right back up. That's fine with me because I have decided that I can't stand steak in any way, shape, or form. I can tolerate hamburger meat, but I swear as long as I live I will never eat a bite of steak. Yuck. It just turns me completely off.
I am also feeling our little girl move every single day. She likes to move and kick when I am lying flat on my back. Although I would like to lay there for hours feeling her move, that's impossible because I don't breathe too well when I'm on my back.
I've been busy registering, shopping for clothes, and fantasizing about what kind of person she will be. I wonder what she will look like, what she will like and dislike, what her temperament will be like. Oh the possibilities.

I just hope and pray that she got the best from each of us.

Here she is!

2009-04-15T16:08:00.000-07:00

Here is a profile picture of the girl.

I have 2 3-D ones, but she didn't look nearly as cute as she looks on this one.

The Dr said that happens when 3-D ultrasounds are done so early.

Anyway, just thought I'd update!

Drum Roll Please....

2009-04-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

We had our u/s yesterday at 3pm, and found out that we are expecting a beautiful, healthy, baby GIRL!!! I am sooo excited. This is what I was definitely hoping for and what my gut feeling said. I was afraid that we wouldn't be able to find out because she was very modest. The dr tried to get a between the leg shot as soon as she started the u/s, but baby had her legs closed. Finally, toward the end of the u/s she flashed us, opening and closing her little legs. Dr got a few good shots of it and showed us the tell tale signs of a "hamburger". Definitely an exciting day. Due date still the same, and everything else looked great. We celebrated by buying a few things for the baby. We bought a dress, another pack of sleepers, and a hat and bootie set. Here is a picture of the dress we bought yesterday.

And, just to prove how strong my hunch was about the gender, here is a dress, hat, and sweater I bought last month.

Can't wait to meet our pretty little thing!

Baby Journal

2009-04-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we bought a baby book from half priced books. I didn't go there with the intention of buying a baby book, and it's not one that I thought we would buy, but when I saw it I knew we had to have it.

It's a baby journal by one of my favorite children's book authors, Eric Carle. He used the illustrations from his book The Very Hungry Caterpillar. All kids love this book, I love this book, and I'm sure baby will too. Maybe it's the kindergarten teacher coming out of me, but I had to have this journal! Can't wait to start writing in it and filling it up with things.

Friday night baby was very active. I was browsing on the computer and all of a sudden I starting feeling movements! They were rapid and it lasted about 10 seconds. Very exciting and almost strange. My first reaction was to look down at my belly and put my hand on my left side where I felt all the kicks. The kicks felt so strong at first I was sure I would be able to feel it from the outside. I couldn't, but that's OK. I was still amazed at the solid kicks baby gave me. I can't wait until this becomes a daily occurrence for me!

3 more days until we see baby. My how time flies!

Strangest Dream Award

2009-03-31T06:20:00.000-07:00

Last night I had the strangest dream. I dreamed that I had twin baby girls. They were the tiniest cutest babies I have ever seen. They were so small that they fit in the palm of my hand. I felt completely overwhelmed and thrilled about feeding the babies with tiny bottles. Later on in the dream, I went into the kitchen and my mom was there putting two hard boiled eggs on the kitchen counter. I left to tend to the twins, and then I heard a cry coming from the kitchen. I went into the kitchen and saw that the two hard boiled eggs had cracked, and the cries were coming from inside the eggs! I was shocked. I told my mom, "there are babies in there." She told me she knew that, and started peeling the cracked shells away from the egg. Then she got out a butter knife and started cutting the egg whites away from the egg. I felt so scared in the dream that she would cut one of the babies, but she didn't. She finally freed the babies and I cleaned them up quickly and fed them. I felt so overwhelmed that now I had quads instead of twins. I said, "mom, we need to make some more bottles." Then I woke up. This by far was the strangest pregnancy dream I have ever had. Not only did it seem so real because I was actually feeling emotions, it was just strange! Quads?? Babies inside of eggs? What in the world??

Go Big Girl! Boom!

2009-03-30T15:18:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm excited because I finally look pregnant, and not just like I've been eating too much!
17 week pic below. I feel so much fatter, but I haven't gained any more weight in weeks. Right now, I am up 10 lbs. I am right in range for the amount of weeks I am, and I want to keep it that way. Hopefully my weight gain slows down from here.

9 days til the u/s. I have to say, I'm starting to get nervous! I still can't wait though. I really can't.

Official

2009-03-27T15:54:00.000-07:00

I'm for sure I felt the baby move this afternoon! Tim was rubbing my stomach, and I thought I felt something. Of course when he stopped, the feeling was gone. He rubbed again, and then all of a sudden I felt it! In my lower stomach I felt the most wonderful sensation. One that can only make you smile. It felt like a thick bubble bursting in the middle of my stomach. I also compared it to the way it would feel if someone put paint on a paintbrush then splattered it on you purposely, only the paint lands in one general area. I know none of that makes sense. Wouldn't make sense to me either if not for the fact that it happened to me.
My headache is finally gone.
It's Friday.
My baby moves.
Only 12 more days to the sonogram.
I'm feeling good.

Can-Can Dancer

2009-03-25T15:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I thought I felt the baby move. I'm still not sure if that's what I was feeling or not because it didn't feel the way that other women describe the early movements. I've heard early movement feels like flutters, butterflies, or bubbles. I was lying down on the couch and all of a sudden I felt something that felt like KICKS. 6-8 light pokes . Rapid, light pokes. I pictured the baby doing the can-can and kicking me with both feet one at a time. I guess there really is no telling right now what that was that I felt. Time will tell.

Oh yeah. I've landed in Headache City, and have been here for two straight days. Please don't offer me any Tylenol.

Wait a minute....

2009-03-20T15:53:00.000-07:00

Feeling good. Definitely have that second trimester energy boost. I've been feeling like my old self. I've been cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, and doing the things I used to do. I did forcefully vomit twice over a the last three days, but I think it was because I ate too much in one sitting. Lately I haven't been really hungry. Then all of a sudden the hunger will hit me like a bag of bricks. Then I gorge myself on whatever meal it is I'm eating. Then I get sick. Then I vomit. I'm figuring out with pregnancy you can't do things the way you used to. Before, I wouldn't eat if I wasn't hungry. Now I see you have to eat even when you're not hungry to keep a disaster from happening.
Also, I am waiting, hoping, and wishing I can feel the baby move. About an hour ago Tim rubbed my stomach and it felt so good and relaxing. Then wait! I thought I felt something. I told Tim to stop, but when he did I felt nothing at all. I told him to continue, and I felt it again. When he stopped I felt nothing. I pressed the right side of my lower belly and it was tight and hard. Kind of like a 2-inch knot was pressed against my stomach. I don't know. This could all be in my head. I'm just looking forward to the day when I know without a doubt that I felt the baby move. I'm hoping that will be soon.
Wednesday, I had an encounter with the tiniest being I have ever seen in my life. I went to the hospital to see my cousins baby who was born prematurely and is now in the NICU. She is about 3 weeks old and 3lbs, but she is so small. I have never seen anything like it in my life. I got to help give her a bath and wash her hair. It was a very special experience, but also exhausting. She has to be handled with such care and she's so tiny that it makes you tired just giving her a 10 minute bath. It made me wonder what it's going to be like for me in 5 months. I know this is different because the baby is a preemie, but it's still a baby nonetheless.
Overwhelming.
Exciting.
Humbling.

15 weeks

2009-03-17T12:45:00.000-07:00

I had my dr's appointment with the nurse practitioner at my new dr's office yesterday. The appointment went GREAT! I think that I will really like this office, and I think baby and I will be well taken care of. The M.A started off by weighing me. No comment. :) Then she told me she was going to draw my blood. I explained that I had already had my OB panel drawn at my last dr's office (5 vials!), and it should be in the medical records they faxed over. Well, she took a look and thankfully they did have the medical records. Well guess what? The old dr's office tested me for everything they were supposed to test for EXCEPT my blood type and hep B. The M.A was dumbfounded. She even had another person double check to be sure she wasn't missing anything. Well anyway, needless to say that is the latest blunder from that terrible dr's office. So she ended up having to draw my blood to get those tests done.
After that I met with the N.P. Super nice and supportive. She went over everything I needed her to. Specific weight gain goals (20 lbs), exercise, nutrition, breast feeding, etc. Then she did my pap and breast exam. I had to hold my breath while she examined my breasts because these boys are still sooooo sore. Later she showed me around the office and showed me the sono room which was very impressive with it's big screen t.v. :)
The last thing I did was get my big u/s scheduled. It's scheduled for 4/8 when I see the dr for my 18 week appointment. They said she will do a "for fun" u/s that they won't charge me for, but then we have to go back 4/10 for an u/s with a tech so they can do the measurements for the baby.
I can't WAIT to find out. I don't know how I will keep my mind off of this u/s that won't happen for another three weeks.
I am really thinking pink. Really. If I am right, we are well set on a name. Can't believe we already have first and middle name all set! I had planned to pick out three names for each gender and then let Tim pick which one he wanted once the baby was born. Well I gave him the choices yesterday, and he is set on one of them already. He actually likes it! REALLY likes it. That amazed me because every time I give him a name he promptly wrinkles his nose and tears it to pieces.
We will keep the name of the baby to ourselves until after the birth certificate is signed. Too many opinions that create doubt, know what I mean? You think you have a name all set that you really love, and then someone comes along and says "(Insert baby name here)? My aunt has a dog named (insert baby name here)!" Or, "I've always hated that name, but if you like it that's all on you."

Uh....Ligaments?

2009-03-13T16:04:00.001-07:00

This morning around 3am I woke up with the worst round ligament pain that I have had this pregnancy. It's a weird pain because it's dull and consistent. There is nothing you can do about it either except pray. Good news is that I was so tired that I kind of drifted back to sleep amidst the pain. I think it was caused by me sleeping all night on my stomach. Although I do this nearly every night, maybe this child began to think s/he has had enough and inflicted that pain on me to get me off my stomach. Well it worked. I slept the rest of the night on my sides. Needless to say when I woke up, my hips were sore from sleeping on them for 4 hours. I guess I'm screwed. Can't sleep on my back the experts say. Can't sleep on my stomach the round ligaments say. Can't sleep on my sides the hips say. Who knows?
Tomorrow we go to a "baby show" at the Marriott in Fort Worth. I'm thinking it's like those wedding shows except this will be all baby stuff. They say they will go over new products, safety ratings, recalls, etc. I'm expecting for it to be quite interesting. I'm glad they are having this show before we start buying for baby. It's like it comes at a perfect time. I'm guessing I will be having the "big" u/s in 3-5 weeks. I will know for sure when it is scheduled after I see my new practitioner at my brand new dr's office on Monday. I can't wait. I just want to know if the baby is a girl or boy. I had been thinking boy for several weeks for several reasons, but now I am thinking girl. Unlike the reason I thought it was a boy, I don't have a reason why I think it will be a girl now. I'm getting mixed guesses from everyone else, roughly half on boy, half on girl.
Oh the time crawls when you need to know if you are destined to be the parents of a new baby girl or a new baby boy!

Motrin

2009-03-08T11:56:00.000-07:00

I lost the battle.
Yesterday I woke up around 6:45am with a throbbing headache. I took tylenol and waited. Of course it didn't work. I took more tylenol. That didn't work either. Not to say that I am surprised because tylenol does nothing for me. I may as well be popping tic-tacs. Anyway, I tried my water trick. After I stepped down from my 12 year reign as Queen Motrin for fertility purposes, I discovered that sometimes, and I do mean sometimes, if I drink two glasses of water it cures my headache. That didn't work either.
Then I tried massage. Tim massaged my back and neck, and still no relief.
I tried to lie down in a quiet room. No relief.
I finally broke down. I sent Tim to the store around 5:30 to buy a pack of motrin.

I tossed two back with a swig of water and 15 minutes later my headache was gone!

I know I'm not supposed to take them, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
What happens when the pain is gone? Justifications begin. I pointed out to Tim that some women smoke their whole pregnancies. Some women still have a glass of wine daily. Some women eat deli meats freely. Some women still subject their bodies to higher temps than recommended.
I just had a motrin. Two motrin. I feel fine.

___________________________________________

Also, I am scared that my destiny is to be one of the women who say post-pregnancy, "Who me? I was sick my ENTIRE pregnancy!" Although it has gotten better, I have still been vomiting. I vomited three times 2 nights ago after drinking root beer. I don't know what to say. I think I am learning not to have so many expectations throughout this deal. Babies don't know what trimesters are, and they certainly don't respect boundaries and expectations preset for them based on trimesters. *Sigh*

13 Weeks!

2009-03-02T16:57:00.000-08:00

Yayy! I'm so excited to finally be in the second trimester, although I won't officially be there until Thusday when I am 13 weeks and 3 days. Anyway, to celebrate we went out and made our first contribution to baby's layette. We bought a 3 pack of sleepers, 4 hats, and a 2 pack of booties. Gender neutral, but so cute. I can't tell you how many times I took the stuff out of the package. Know what I did?

Coordinated different outfits. Yep.

Danced the sleepers around. Yep.

Put my fist into the tiny hats and imagined a baby's head in it. Absolutely.

Laid the sleepers on Tim's chest to see what he would look like with a sleeper clad baby on his chest. Yep. Sure did.

Crazy? Of course.

In love? Don't you know it.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

2009-02-24T16:04:00.000-08:00

Dr. Jekyll begins:

Yesterday at 3:15 I had an U/S. I had a sense of calm and reassurance that as soon as the tech put that probe on my stomach, everything would be fine, and it was. As soon as she put the probe on my stomach, I could see the baby! Heart pumping away and MOVING! It was so amazing to see the baby in there moving it's body! It's arms and legs were flailing, and it really looked like a human baby! Exciting stuff. I think it has finally sunk in that there is something in there. No matter how sick I felt, no matter how many times I listened to the heartbeat with the doppler, this just made things more real for me. Here are some pictures from yesterday.

The tech said that everything looked great, and that the heart rate was 158 bpm, which is exactly what I got by doppler the night before. She also moved my due date up 2 days to 9-7-09. I was liking 9-9-09, but I guess it really doesn't matter because baby's going to come whenever it gets ready to.

Mr. Hyde arrives:

That warm fuzzy feeling I felt was overshadowed by my irritation with my dr's office. I can't help but wonder if I have chosen the wrong dr. I have not met the dr yet, so nothing personal against her, but it's just the environment. There are 7 doctors in the office, and it's super busy in there! 4 receptionists. 4 waiting rooms. People in and out everywhere. I was amazed at the amount of traffic I saw. It just doesn't have that intimate feel that I wanted. That's not my only gripe though, so I guess I'll list them off.

1. The doctor only sees patients on Monday and Thursday mornings only.

2. They made ME do the leg work for insurance. Never in my life have I been made to call the insurance company about preliminary info. I mean, don't they employ people to handle that for you??

3. I don't like how they schedule appointments. They had me coming in different days for different things, and I can't see the logic in that. Specifically, I didn't like that they made me schedule my nurses visit and sonogram on two different days. That makes no sense at all.

4. My nurse called me to move my 3-9 appointment up from 2:15 to 12:15. That was cool with me, but when I talked to the scheduler to tell her it was OK to go ahead with the switch she said, "Oh, well she already did it anyway. " The nerve. I mean how can you change my appointment time without first ok'ing it with me.?

5. I was forced into taking the 3-9 appointment at 2:15 in the first place because they told me the dr was going out of town the following week for spring break and if I didn't take that time I was out of luck for another 2 weeks. So that means I would be 16 weeks before I even SEE the dr! Bad enough I'll be 14 when I finally get to go.
Tim and I are in the process of seeing if a switch should be in order. I mean, this is my first child, and I don't know if I want the memory of this experience tarnished by busy offices and neglectful doctors. Plus, my patience level is at 0. I would really hate to have my buttons pushed even more than they are already.

Sigh. Update coming soon.

Preggo Dreams and Image

2009-02-20T17:35:00.001-08:00

Had I heard this title 3 months ago, I would've described them as warm and fuzzy dreams filled with colors of pink and blue and bouncing babies smiling everywhere. Well I can tell you first hand, that's not the case. It all started around 8 weeks or so. I would have vivid dreams that just didn't make sense. My most memorable one was about me going to get some of those really cool belly pictures taken. Well I go in and everything was perfect. The lighting, my hair, my belly, everything was turning out wonderfully and the photographer was even better. I was so comfortable with her and she was producing fabulous pictures of me. I was sitting on a green couch about to take a final shot. I looked over and realized that the photographer was not wearing any pants or underwear and I could see everything. Now obviously I was very confused. The photographer continued to move around smiling and talking as if she was fully dressed. I ended up getting very sick from the fact that she was naked waist down and threw up. That was the end of that dream and I woke up nauseous.
A few nights ago I had a dream that my teeth were falling out. Now I've had this dream several times before, but what made this one different is that each time a tooth fell out they would fall on the floor and shatter like broken glass! I remember thinking in the dream, man the teeth are shattering on the floor so I can't even pick them up and glue them back in. The final straw was when one of my front teeth cracked. I went through an entire process of thinking about how to call in and get a sub because there was no way I was going to work with a front tooth missing. I could go in if it was just one of the molars, but going in without a front tooth was a no no. Needless to say I woke up and checked to make sure I had all my teeth.
I read a dream interpretation about teeth falling out a long time ago. The interpretation said that people usually dream that when they are overly concerned with appearance. I would have to say that this interpretation makes sense in my life. I worry about how I look most days because most days I just feel ugly. My weight gain is noticeable, and at this point it's not that cute pregnant belly noticeable weight gain. I have gained 5 pounds. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those ladies who obsess about weight and don't want to gain weight while pregnant. That's not me at all. I wouldn't mind at all if I looked pregnant. My stomach just looks fat. I lost 30 lbs right before becoming pregnant, and now that some of that weight is coming back it unsettles me. To take it off just to put it back on feels strange. I also think the coloring of my face looks darker and uneven, and I don't like my hair either. Where is that pregnant glow people talk about all the time? It skipped me for some reason. I'm thinking about getting a new haircut/hairstyle over spring break so I can get "me" back. I need to start researching hairstyles because I realize choosing the wrong one can be more disastrous than not choosing one at all!

11 Weeks!

2009-02-18T15:12:00.001-08:00

Today I am 11 weeks, and to celebrate it I had a nice morning vomit of bile, fatigue, and a bad attitude out of this world! I am conviced that certain people are seeking me out just to try me. I'm usually very mild mannered at work, but it seems like lately people have just been TRYING to get on my last nerve. All in all, I guess I can say today went ok.
I did have a scare yesterday morning. I had my first regular OB appointment, and I wanted to make sure I could hear the heartbeat with my doppler before going in. Well, I couldn't find the heartbeat for NOTHING. I searched 25 minutes, then I finally found it. Squishy had moved further up in my uterus. When I came home in the evening, I decided to check again to see if it would be as difficult to find as the morning. I checked in the same spot as the morning and got nothing. I searched and searched, holding my breath the whole time. Finally...thump thump thump thump! I smiled and sighed with relief. Then wait...it's gone! I moved the probe around for another few minutes and found it again. Thump thump thump! Then it went away again. Squishy and I went back and forth like that for a few minutes when I finally had a thought. Maybe it doesn't like the probe anymore. Everytime I'd find the heartbeat I was only able to listen 5-6 seconds before it moved away. One of the girls from my due date club said that they can hear the noise of the probe. That makes sense. I guess I'll give Squishy a break and try not to listen everyday. :)
Anyway, yesterday I went to my dr's appointment, which was really a nurse appointment, and all was routine. I was pretty disappointed that they didn't check the heart rate, my uterus, or anything like that. All she did was take a gallon of blood, weigh me, take my bp, and give me a folder full of preggo info. They also made several more appointments for this month and next. My next appointmet is Monday 2-23. This is going to be a good one because I get an u/s. I'm so excited because I will finally get a picture of something that looks like a baby. I've checked out u/s from girls from my due date club, and they look like babies now. Can't wait. Then I have to go back in 2-24 on Tuesday for a blood draw. They want to check my progesterone levels a week a part to make sure my stopping my endometrin Friday was a good idea. Then I finally have my appointment with the OB 3-9. I'll get a pap and all that other fun stuff. Yuck.

Scared to speak too soon

2009-02-13T16:12:00.001-08:00

but I think at 10 weeks 3 days, my morning sickness has subsided for the most part. Since last Saturday I noticed that I haven't been vomiting every single morning. I still feel nausea, but it's tolerable for the most part. I still have fatigue, that has gotten a little better, excess salivation, and sore sore boobs. I can deal with that though. Also, I have noticed that I have had a killer attitude since I've become pregnant, and especially the past few weeks. My coworkers are saying they like the new me. I guess it's because I've just basically been saying what's on my mind, and I don't hold myself back from letting people have it. People piss me off when they come up to me and say something dumb, especially on my days when I feel like a freight train hit me. I know it's my hormones. I also know it's the fact that I am carrying a child and for the most part not much else matters. I no longer care what people think about trivial things. I don't consider people's thoughts on what I have to say. I know that sounds mean, but that's where I am with my thinking at this point. I just have limited time and patience with nonsense.

I've also been listening to the baby's heartbeat with my doppler pretty much everyday. I just get nervous when I check in with my due date club on Justmommies.com and read all the horror stories of different women from the club losing their babies. It seems like everyday that I check in on there, someone else has miscarried. They're dropping like flies. Reading the stories invokes such emotions! Initially I feel shock. Then I feel sadness. Then I feel worried with feelings of desperation. Then in the end I feel a certain amount of relief and happiness that I can hold on to Squishy if even for one more day. Eventually I feel guilt for feeling that way. It's just all so confusing.
Oh if I could go through this thing with blinders on and just enjoy my time with freedom from doubt and worry! The only thing I can do is say a prayer for our child and hope that everything is ok.
Yesterday was my 29th. Tim treated me to prenatal pampering at Daired's spa. I had a pedicure, full body massage, and lunch at the spa. It was a truly wonderful and relaxing experience. It felt so good to be pampered in a relaxing environment. I love my husband!

Galloping Horses and Trains

2009-02-08T15:45:00.000-08:00

I got the doppler I rented last Wednesday. Well, of course I tried to use it immediately and it didn't work. Although I resolved to try once a week until we heard something, I ended up trying once a day. Never heard anything until.....today. I finally found the heartbeat on a full bladder, right at the pubic line, plenty of u/s gel, and inhaling and holding my breath. After 2 minutes of doing that we heard the heartbeat at 162 bpm! It was a wonderful sound. I just smiled and listened, smiled and listened. It sounds just like a galloping horse or a speeding train. I didn't expect to hear it until I was 10+ weeks, but we were able to hear it at 9 weeks 4 days. I'm impressed! I am so looking forward to listening again.

Pregnancy Feels Like.....

2009-01-30T19:36:00.000-08:00

the flu. No kidding. As a first time mother to be, the only thing that I can compare pregnancy to using my experience is the flu.
The all day daily fatigue, the nausea, the gastrointestinal disturbances in the form of gas and diarrhea, the bad tastes in the mouth, the aversion to anything that has anything to do with food. To me, that all adds up to the flu. Of course pregnancy lacks some of the other tale tale signs of the flu such as aches and pains and fever, but it pretty much mirrors it in every other way. Funny, but I've never heard the two compared to eachother. I know every woman is different, but you would think out of all the women I have ever known that experienced pregnancy, ONE of them would've told me I would probably feel like I had some type of flu. Hmmmm.

In other news, I ordered a doppler today. I'm excited because if it works it will set my worry wort mind at ease. I'm nervous because if it doesn't work, I might cause unnecessary stress on myself. I've heard good things about this kind of doppler, so hopefully it will work for me.

Introducing Squishy!!!

2009-01-20T17:38:00.000-08:00

Today at 3:15 we went for our first appointment. I have to say, despite feeling rushed by both the fact that I left work at 2:45, had to go get Tim, and rush all the way out to Bedford combined with my RE kind of blowing me off, today was a good day. I can finally relax a little and really enjoy all the things to come. So we get there , wait in the waiting room for about 15 minutes, then they call us back. I emptied my bladder, undressed from the waist down, and waited another 15 minutes for Dr. Kathy to show up. Now I can tell you, 15 minutes has a way of crawling by when you you're a worrier. A 15 minute wait can compell you to jump head first into the "what if" game. What if they don't see anything? What if the baby doesn't have a heart beat? What if....?? I went on and on both in my head and outloud. Tim dismissed the ones that I made auditory and calmly flipped through the sports section of a newspaper that they dr's office had made available. I asked him how can he be so calm at a time like this? His simple reply, " I don't think about all of those things. This is going to go right for us." I guess he was on to something. It did.

As soon as she inserted the probe we saw Squishy, heart fluttering away. It was truly awesome! All I could do was smile. FHR 124 bpm, and the Dr says everything looks perfect! I am so freakin' happy! I can not believe this being is inside of me. On one picture of Squishy, you can see a slight space that looks like an umbilical cord to me. I stared at that spot for the longest time. It is amazing to see how we are connected to eachother as mother and child. It may seem trivial to some people, but it was a truly humbling discovery. I'm in love!

3-Day WeekEND

2009-01-19T15:58:00.000-08:00

So I totally feel like I wasted my 3-day weekend. We didn't do anything fun, and I was in my night gown pretty much all weekend. I just have not felt well. I convinced myself last night that I was coming down with the flu, a virus, or maybe had been infected with listeria despite the fact that I had no temperature or aches and pains. I just couldn't understand how it could be normal to feel as nauseous and as tired as I was all weekend. I mean, I had no energy and that's with napping. I don't know how to give an accurate representation of the intensity of the fatigue. The words escape me. The only thing I can compare it to is tiredness you feel when you have the flu....except without the temp and the achy feeling. I know that may sound strange, but that's what I experienced. Anyway, it has gotten better today. My appetite is dwindling down immensely, and I experienced my first post bfp vomit. Lovely.
In other news, I love yogurt, berries, tomatoes, and grapes now! I hope this feeling remains. Right now I feel like I can live off of the stuff.
Also, I have my first real dr's appointment tomorrow. I'm feeling a mixture of joy and anxiety over seeing the baby for the first time. I want everything to be fine. I want to see my baby. I want to hear my baby. It's not until 3:15, so I'm having the teacher across the hall watch my class so I can leave on time to make it to the appointment. I don't know how I will get through tomorrow. I know nothing but the appointment will be on my mind. I hope time has wings tomorrow!

Symptom Sity

2009-01-16T17:55:00.000-08:00

Symptoms to date: Cramping, Sore Boobs, Nausea, Super Sore Boobs, Hunger, Fatigue, Dizziness . (in that order)

Notice the symptoms I listed all begin with uppercase letters. I have to ignore gramatical rules here. These symptoms are serious and deserve the respect that an uppercase letter can give! The Cramps stopped around 5 weeks, the Hunger declined the past few days, but the Nausea, Fatigue, and Sore Boobs are a daily occurence with the most noticable being the sore boobs. I mean they ACHE. My nipples are also constantly erect. Not porn starish, but just constantly erect. I wore a cotton shirt to work today and I had to put cotton balls in my bra over my nipples so I wouldn't offend anyone! Ha!

Man it feels great!

Sea of Home Pregnancy Tests

2009-01-16T17:22:00.000-08:00

I'm guessing your first question to yourself may be, how many pregnancy tests did she take? My answer: lots. This is just a small representation of the sticks that I have peed on since the first one on December 29th. Sad, I know. I know what ever reason I come up with for this madness, is still going to sound like just that...madness. I'll give my top three reasons anyway.

1. I wanted to see the lines get darker

2. I wanted to make sure I was still pregnant

3. I love finally being able to see the two pink lines that eluded me for 2.5 years

Your second question to yourself may be, is she done? My answer: no. Well, almost. I have one more dollar store test that I may just take for kicks. Maybe not entirely for kicks. You would be amazed at how reassuring two dark pink lines can be for a woman like me, especially when the test line is DARKER than the control line! Tim tried to talk me down out of this addiction, and it has worked to a point. I haven't bought anymore tests, and I don't plan on it either.

I am just so very much in love with this baby already and the thought of being a mother. It terrifies me to think that the dream that I've finally grasped could be snatched away from me. I know, think positive. That is my goal for each day. Think positive, think in love.