Ticking Along

Everything is going smoothly so far in our household. We are settled into a routine, I'm getting sleep, and life appears to be pretty normal. Xavier is growing more and more each day, and he seems to have sprouted overnight. He's now in 0-3 clothes, size one diapers, and taking 5 oz bottles. I'm not sure about his weight, but he was 6 lbs 6 oz at his pedi visit in July. My guess is that he's about 9 lbs now.
Speaking of pedi visits, his pedi discovered a small inguinal hernia at his last visit. We had to go out to Children's Hospital in Dallas for an ultrasound, where the pedi's findings were confirmed. He will have to have surgery to repair it, and the only question now is when. September 1, he goes for a consultation with a surgeon to see what his recommendation is as far as a time frame. I was a bit upset initially, but I snapped myself back into reality. I thought of all the things that so many parents suffer through in terms of their children's health, many of whom I met during Xavier's stay at Cook's Children's, and I was ashamed of myself. How dare I be upset over a procedure that is a non emergency, outpatient procedure when I witnessed parents left and right sending their newborns into surgery for serious conditions such as heart or lung issues? What about the children who have conditions that can not be repaired? Now that I have things in perspective, I am back to counting my blessings to have a son who, aside from being born prematurely, is growing and progressing normally. I will always thank God for this.

2 years and 2 months old

Layla turned two today. I can hardly believe it! The picture of the day of her birth is still etched deeply into my brain. Does it ever fade? Similarly, does the shock and awe of having children PERIOD ever fade? I have a two year old and a two month old. Saying that aloud makes me shake my head in awe. I still wonder, on many occasions, where exactly these children have come from.

Reading her birthday card from grandma first thing in the morning



Talking on her new cell phone on the way to McDonald's



Eating junk food





Here are a few pics of her eating her birthday cupcakes.




We had a great day today that included auntie, grandma, and her "bubby". We played at McDonald's, opened presents, and ate junk food. Saturday we will continue the celebration at the circus!

Layla is amazing! She has grown so much. I held her a couple of weeks ago, and she seemed so huge. I wondered if she seemed huge because now I have another child tied to the proverbial apron strings to compare her to, who happens to be so tiny, but now I know it is because she has grown like a weed. She is deeply into the terrible twos, but she still makes me laugh every day. She can identify 24 uppercase letters (M and W give her trouble), can identify her numbers 1-10, counts to 20, knows four colors and can sort by those colors, and knows six shapes. She has her two year doctor's appointment tomorrow, so I will get her stats then. I'm pretty sure she's about 28 lbs. I weighed her on our home scale which is probably not too reliable, but it gives a roundabout guess.

Xavier is doing well. He is now going four hours between feeds at night. I am so very grateful because this allows me to get eight hours of sleep which is unheard of in the land of newborns. I feed him at 11pm, Tim feeds him at 3am, and I feed him and get up for the day at 7am. Great stuff. He also has his two month appointment tomorrow, so I'll update his stats then. My guess is 6 lbs. He's a piggy. He takes twice what a guy his size should be taking, and that's on top of being on a higher calorie formula. He is going to be huge!

Here is Mr. Mohawk :)



With grandma



He is a true joy! The only issue we have right now is diaper changes. Whoever said boys are easier to change than girls got it ALLLLL wrong. I can assure you of that. I feel a gray hair squeeze itself into visibility every time I change my little guy's diaper. I'm not kidding.

We're home!

We brought Xavier home yesterday after a very tiring, challenging day. There is so much involved in discharging a premature infant, and it was taxing, both physically and emotionally. I have never been so happy as when we drove away from that hospital. I'm hoping to never see the inside of that hospital again.
He is now 4 lbs 5 oz, exactly Layla's weight when we brought her home from the NICU, ironically. Of course she was only one week old, and Xavier was 6 weeks 4 days old. His first night home is complete, and he and the rest of the family are upstairs sleeping as I blog and enjoy my last few moments alone for the day. His first night went well. Tim kept him downstairs for his 12 am and 3 am feed so that I could sleep. Xavier is a grunter, and his grunting would have kept me up all night. I took care of him at 5:30, and I will let Tim sleep in while I take care of both kids this morning. I expect our system to work out well...until he goes back to work, of course, then there will have to be some adjustments.
Layla is fascinated with him! She's always peering into his pack-n-play at him, trying to touch him, and trying to give him his paci--in his eye nonetheless--but she's still trying to be helpful. It will be interesting to see how her interactions with him unfolds over the next few months.

Anxious

Xavier is coming home this week! I'm not sure of the exact day because the NICU team are reluctant to quote an exact date, but steps toward going home have been made. We brought his car seat to NICU yesterday so they could do the car seat test on him. This is usually the last test before going home. They put the babies in the car seat to make sure they can tolerate being in a car seat for the ride home. They have also asked us to notify our pediatrician that we are coming home and to make an appointment to be seen Tuesday of next week. We are very excited and anxious to take him home. My guess is that he will be home by Saturday.
I am so glad that I prepared for his arrival early. I started working on his nursery when I was around 24 weeks pregnant, so it is now ready and waiting on him!
I can concentrate on him, instead of having to run around town picking out things for his room. As you can imagine, I'll be busy for the next few months. :)

Here are some pictures of his nursery











All we need is the baby!

No Answers

My 6 week postpartum visit went well, but it also confirmed that there will never be answers as to why my body does not like to be pregnant for a full nine months.

We talked in depth about why I went into preterm labor, and sadly, it is still and always will be a mystery. The pathology report on the placenta showed that it was 100% healthy and normal. Dr. W says clinically, she believes I abrupted since there was so much blood right before I had my c-section, but she can never say for sure. She says that I am just not a good candidate for another pregnancy, which is 100% fine with us because we only wanted two. She is just as disappointed as I am about not going further into a pregnancy than I did with Layla, but she is 100% confident that there was nothing else we could have done to have a better outcome. Talking with her really brought closure to this chapter in my life.

One Month

Xavier had his first bottle yesterday. His nurse told me before she started that babies this young usually do not have a good sucking action, so things may not go so well the first time. Well of course, in keeping with his trend of shocking people, Xavier took the whole bottle in less than 10 minutes! He loved it. The nurse tried to put the bottle in his mouth, and he promptly refused. She dribbled breastmilk into his mouth, and this piqued his interest. He instantly started to suck and did not stop until he was finished. The nurse was so excited that she said she was going to call his doctor to update him and see if he can get bumped up to two bottles a day instead of one. They will gradually increase his bottle feeds until he is taking eight bottles per day. When this happens, they will remove his feeding tube.


He is now 3 lbs 3 oz, and has had his first eye exam and visit from the physical therapist. The eye exam went well and his eyes are fine. The physical therapy visit was uneventful, but she did explain stress cues to me, such as splaying of the fingers, and this was helpful. When premature babies are overwhelmed by too much stimuli, they will show you they are stressed out and need peace and quiet.
Yesterday at 1 pm, it was feeding time for three newborns. How do I know this? They promptly let the entire nursery know. It was as if someone pressed a button on each baby because as soon as the clock struck 1, the babies began to scream in three part harmony. This of course made some of their monitors go off because crying so forcefully made their heart rates go up. Xavier started to squirm while I was holding him and straightened his legs. I knew he was becoming stressed, so I put him back in his isolet. Here is a picture of his grumpy look. He was not very happy about the noisy trio.




Layla is still having a difficult time adjusting because X's hospital stay has disrupted her schedule. I think she is starting to understand a little bit more that we had a baby. It's taking her a while to understand because she has never seen him in person. I talk to her about him all the time, and she loves to look through my phone at his pictures. She calls him W-X. LOL! That is definitely one for the baby book.

3 lbs!

As of May 10, Xavier passed 3 lbs! He was 3 lbs 1.4 oz, and I am so excited because passing 3 lbs was the first of my mini goals that I set for him. He will possibly start bottle feeding this Wednesday, and from then on the focus will be on learning to bottle feed 8 times per day and continuing to gain weight. I am so ready to bring him home to join our family full time!

PNICU

Xavier was moved to the Progressive NICU on Thursday night. When we left him that afternoon, he was doing great. He was still breathing fine with nothing new to report. We talked to the on call dr since Xavier's dr was visiting Harris' NICU for the day, and he told us repeatedly how impressed he was with Xavier. He smiled and told us, "This little guy thinks he's older than what he is."
When Tim called his nurse later that night to check on him, she told him that he had been moved to the PNICU since he was doing so well! This is definitely a step forward, which is what I pray for each and every day, all day. Babies are moved to the Progressive Unit once they are considered not critical.
Visiting him yesterday in this unit was a whole new ball game. The room is noticeably brighter. There are open cribs in the whole room instead of walls and walls of incubators with tiny spaces for parents to squeeze in next to them. There aren't as many monitors and machines wailing and beeping constantly. Toys, rocking chairs, car seats, and swings are in the room. Moms can be seen holding the babies and breastfeeding. There are also volunteers that visit this unit to hold the babies and cuddle with them. This makes me feel better since it is impossible for us to be with him all day, and the nurses do not have time to hold babies just to cuddle. The unit is just much more relaxed. This will be his new home until he is released, which I am hoping will be within the next 4 weeks.

Growing

It is hard to tell from pictures just how small Xavier really is. When people see his picture, they immediately exclaim that he looks like a big boy, or that he doesn't look like he's only 2 1/2 lbs. Seeing him in person is an entirely different experience.
Yesterday, I decided to take home one of the diapers he wears for comparison to a newborn diaper sample that I have.





He is getting bigger every day, and each day we see him he looks like a new baby. He has more hair now, his skin is getting darker, and his features are becoming more defined. I try not to get caught up in his weight since we are in for a long journey. I decided instead of asking each and every day how much he weighs, I will ask his nurses once a week how much he weighs. This is how they are charting his progress anyway since daily weights tend to fluctuate.

No More CPAP!

Instead of doing 3 hours off and 3 hours on to give Xavier's nose a rest, his doctor decided that he no longer had to use the CPAP at all! He has been machine free for about two days now. Usually babies go from being on a vent, to the CPAP, to a nasal canula, but Xavier has avoided both the vent and canula to breathing 100% unassisted! I am so very, very happy and thankful for that. I knew he could do it because there have been so many occasions when he had removed it on his own and was breathing just fine. I am so thankful for his nurse Raye :-) for pushing his doctor to give him a chance to try it on his own. She believed in him and knew he could do it!
His dr wants me to try breastfeeding him next week. Hmmm. Not sure how that's going to go since his mouth is the size of a dime and my breast is.....much larger than that. This will definitely be interesting.

Break from CPAP

Today when I went to see Xavier, I immediately noticed that he had removed his CPAP. It was resting on top of his nose instead of inside of his nose. He HATES his CPAP. His nurses say that he moves so much that he pushes the little prongs further in his nose than it needs to go. This is one of many occasions that he has removed it somehow. The nurse practitioner decided that since he was doing so well breathing on his own and breathing room air from day one, she would try him off of the CPAP for three hours. So what will happen now is that he will do three hours off the CPAP and three hours on. This will give his nose a rest. The prongs are uncomfortable for him and push his nose flat against his face, piggy style. I held him today kangaroo style and his breathing remained stable the entire time. He didn't desat once, and his oxygen levels stayed 97-100. If he does well on and off the CPAP, they will start to wean him off of it early. His nurses are impressed. They usually don't wean them off until they are closer to 32 weeks. Nearly all the nurses on his floor came to see this little peanut free of his machines so soon.


Today was my first time seeing him free of all the machines. The cpap has kind of molded his nose flatter against his face than is natural, but he's so beautiful, and of course the creases will resolve itself once he's able to give his nose a rest!

Holding Xavier

Two days ago, I was finally able to hold Xavier. He was "no-stim" for the first three days of life, which meant that he couldn't be touched except when necessary. I was so nervous as the nurses handed me his little body. He is so small and fragile that it was hard to believe that I was holding anything. I held him and rocked him for close to an hour, but I could have held him forever. When the nurses came to put him back in the incubator, she discovered that his CPAP had been accidentally disconnected. She was shocked that his breathing and heart rate stayed the same, even though he wasn't receiving any air pressure from the CPAP. He is not ready to come off of the CPAP, but it is still amazing that such a little guy could hold his own for so long without it. I'm looking forward to the day when he graduates from it.
Yesterday, I held him skin to skin as part of kangaroo care. The nurses placed him inside of my shirt, and he curled his little body against me as if he were still in the womb.



I would give anything to give him another 6 weeks, but sharing this tender moment with him was a wonderful feeling.

Xavier Grant

May 16, 2011, I woke up just after 12 am with slight pains in my side and lower stomach. Baby was moving and seemed very unsettled. I sleepily rubbed my stomach, and tried to go back to sleep. I dozed off for a few minutes, then was awaken by the same pains in my side and lower stomach. I waited for it to pass, then tried to go back to sleep. The pains didn’t subside. It was then that I noticed that the pains were coming in a pattern. I turned on my cell phone and began to time the pains, looking for a clear pattern. Five minutes apart. This was much more serious than pain; these were contractions. I had been there before, and the night seemed eerily similar to the day I gave birth to Layla. Tim was at work, I woke up in pain, and something inside of me was telling me it was show time.
I jumped out of bed, and received confirmation that I was indeed in labor. I had diarrhea and a little bit of spotting. Oh no, I thought, not again. I ran a quick bath and called Tim to come home to sit with Layla while I went to labor and delivery. I began to pray and plead to the universe that this was false labor and that our baby boy would not be born so soon. I pleaded for another month, week, or even just one more day for my son to stay with me. I drove to the hospital repeating the same prayer over and over, only pausing to call Dr. Westerholm to tell her I was on my way to labor and delivery.
The drive to the hospital was agonizing for me. I didn’t have the pain of a typical woman in labor. Instead of physical pain, I felt pain in my heart for what was almost certain to come. I could feel our son kicking so low, almost as if he were already in the birth canal. I willed my body to hold on to him.

I finally arrived at the emergency room, and was whisked away to labor and delivery by an E.R. nurse. She wished me luck and left me with the labor and delivery nurses in the prenatal observation room. Minute by minute, my anxiety built. The nurses could not find baby’s heartbeat with the fetal monitor or Doppler. I could feel him move, so I knew he was fine, but I also knew not being able to find his heartbeat was not a good sign. The nurses tried to reassure me that this sometimes happens with babies that gestational age. I wanted to point out that I had had no problem finding his heartbeat since I was 9 weeks pregnant, but I couldn’t speak.

Dr. Westerholm returned my call while I was lying on the observation table and told me that since I had had intercourse recently, all of the drama was probably due to false contractions. I wanted to believe that, but my soul was telling me otherwise. She gave authorization for the nurses to check my cervix, and I was immediately given the news that I would be delivering shortly. The nurse removed her gloved hand from my body and it was covered in blood. She told me that I was dilated to 6-7 centimeters, she felt a bulging bag of water, and she had felt him kick her hand. My heart dropped. The nurse reclined the table all the way back and told me I was to remain flat and still until the doctor came to deliver me. My heart was heavy as I called and told Tim the news.

The anesthesiologist made it to my bedside first. He explained the process of receiving a spinal for a cesarean section, but the explanation fell on deaf ears. I could barely hear more than my heartbeat at the point, and nothing else mattered. I kept going over the statistics in my head that I have googled so many times before. I began to calculate the likelihood that my baby would survive. All I wanted was for him to live.
Dr. Westerholm arrived, and seeing her face at my bedside spoke volumes about the seriousness of delivering so early. She apologized over and over. She was heartbroken because she was on our side throughout this pregnancy. She wanted this baby to be term just as much as we did. I want you to understand that this time may be a little different than last time. Layla Bug did so well, but this baby is five weeks earlier. A baby is viable at 24 weeks, and the risk of mortality decreases each week then drops way off around 28 weeks, which is about where we are today. I heard the unspoken words clearly.

She did an ultrasound to verify presentation and told me that I would be having a cesarean. Baby was still transverse, so a vaginal delivery would not be possible. What was more was that I would be having a classic cesarean because of baby’s position. Your uterus will forever be weakened and you will never be able to deliver vaginally in the future.

I was numb as I was prepped for surgery. The anesthesiologist attempted to administer my spinal while I was lying down in an attempt to prevent my bag of waters from rupturing, which could lead to baby falling into the birth canal. He tried twice unsuccessfully. The team sat me up for the spinal, and in this position it was completed in one attempt in less than 15 seconds. I was later told that I was sitting in a pool of blood. I was too numb to notice. I felt the anesthesia take hold of my body as the team helped me to recline flat on my back. I looked into the surgical lights and could see my body reflected in the glass of the light bulbs. It was an out of body experience to see my body lying there but to not be able to feel it.

Surgery began and Tim was escorted to my bedside. We stared into each other’s eyes and did not need to speak. We both saw the shock, hurt, fear, and disappointment of being faced with another preterm delivery. Our fingers laced together as the journey began. The anesthesiologist’s voice was a dark cloud above my head as he explained that the delivery room would probably be silent when baby was born. You may not hear crying. If you do hear crying it will be very brief while baby is intubated. The breathing tube that will be inserted blocks the vocal cords… I floated away to wait for my son.

I felt tugging and pressure.“Delivery!” a nurse announced the arrival of Xavier Grant. I heard a gurgle and cries filled the room. All three doctors and nurses expressed surprise that he was breathing and crying! Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I thanked God for that small miracle. I tried to catch a glimpse of the piece of my soul that would forever live outside of my body, but the team of NICU nurses blocked my view. Apgar numbers were announced at 8 and 9.

I waited patiently to see my son. The NICU team finally brought him to see me, and I was completely humbled at the sight of him. I stared at his little face and listened to him cry. He was so small and fragile, yet his presence was so powerful. He no longer belonged to just me; I would have to share him with the perils of the world and all things unknown. Life had just begun for Xavier, and as he was taken to the NICU, I made the promise that many in my position have made before me: I would dedicate my life to making his better.

All we need is the dog...

is what Tim said when we found out that our newest addition is a baby boy! I was pretty shocked, even though I have had symptoms that were light years away from the symptoms I had with Layla.



Even though I was only 15 weeks + 2 days, it was pretty apparent that the shape shifter was a boy. The appointment went well. I gained another two pounds, which puts me at 5 lbs total. Not bad, not great. I felt as if I had gained a ton more because it seems that I just can not get full! I have heard that when you are pregnant with a boy, you tend to be hungrier. I sure hope this little one has mercy on me. My prayer is that I make it out of this pregnancy weighing less than 400 lbs.
This week also marked the second week of my p-17 injections. The home health care nurse came over and instructed Tim on how to give the shot in my hip. The anxiety of having an intramuscular needle pierce through my skin, fat, and muscle was much worse than the actual act itself. The shots aren't bad at all. I actually didn't feel it all the first time, so I have dubbed my right side as "The Good Hip". Eh, only in the sense of how well it can take a intramuscular injection. Apparently it decided to be good at something since it is no good at holding up my body weight. I look pretty silly walking, and bouncing along as if I am normal and in shape, only to have the right hip slip in its determination to bring me to the ground. So far, I am winning the battle, but only because I know how to anticipate an attack seconds in advance.
Score: Me-1, Hip-0.

Missing that former life

It's amazing how things in your life can change in an instant. Other than the occasional boredom, I have been content with being a stay at home mom to Layla. Today I visited my former school, and I realized just how much I miss everyone and teaching. It was bitter sweet seeing my classroom inhabited by another teacher. On one hand it's nice to see the room where you spent so much time and grew so much as a teacher, but on the other hand you feel territorial because you still feel like it is your room, and someone else is there with your things.
It was bittersweet seeing my old students. My heart swelled with pride when they squealed my name in excitement as soon as I walked into the building--wanting to jump out of their seats--but their allegiance to their new teacher kept them seated. It is nice to be remembered. It is amazing to be remembered, especially in young minds. Since I have been home, I have seen a student here and there, and they always come to say hi, but being in a school with many students shouting your name makes you feel like a celebrity for a day. :-) It was so nice to catch up with my former coworkers too. I really needed this today because I have been feeling...blah.
This pregnancy has been so much different than when I was pregnant with Layla. I already feel as if I am falling apart. Pubic symphysis disorder has already kicked in, my hips give out, my elbows ache, my knees ache, and my tailbone has to be soaked nightly. I am also "showing" a lot earlier than last time. I don't look pregnant yet, but my weight has started to redistribute itself to my stomach already, making it necessary for me to wear maternity shirts. I get nauseous a lot, but don't vomit as much.
I go back to the doctor on Feb 18, and may possibly be able to find out the gender of this baby. Tim and I are both hoping for another little girl, but since this child will complete our family, a boy will be fine.